Tag: Progressive Christian

Religion

An Open Letter to Dr. Brad Wilcox

Sara Elizabeth

Dear Brad Wilcox, 

(and the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who agree with the words he shared during his fireside)

I don’t anticipate you or those whose beliefs align harmoniously with yours to understand the grief and pain that comes with leaving the Church. I don’t expect those immersed in the faith to understand that this grief and pain is not a lack of the “Holy Ghost” or because of “turning our back on God”. I wish more than anything that we could all just take a step back from the judgment and assumptions as to why people leave the Church —- or even why people stay.

Before even being baptized, a phrase the missionaries repeated almost every time we met, “the Church is perfect but the people are not.” And so, when I was deeply hurt and abused by members within the Church, I repeated this like a mantra. When people questioned me if I ever even felt the Spirit because I was hesitant and scared to go through the temple and receive my endowments, I disconnected myself and replied calmly through my tears that yes, I have felt the spirit. “Are you sure?” a sister in my ward asked. “Why did you join the Church? Did you feel the Spirit before joining? You know, some women only join because they thought the missionaries teaching them were cute.” I can grasp that there are things that are sacred to Mormonism and other religions in the world, but I didn’t feel safe or comfortable when I wasn’t allowed to know what was going to happen until it happened. 

When I came out as bisexual, people who didn’t even bother to speak to me for years – even when I reached out, even when I experienced loss upon loss, and needed a friend … they suddenly had the “Spirit” tell them to reach out to me and let me know that “it’s okay if you are gay, but you can’t act on it”. Essential strangers telling me what I can and cannot do with my body. Strangers who I knew were guilty of ignoring a sister in the Church’s pleas to “stop”. Strangers who despite their sexual “transgressions” (or as I and the rest of the world calls it, rape) and their Bishop knew of these events, were still able to pass the sacrament and go to the temple because they were worthy. I’ve not had sex or kissed anyone in well over five years, I stopped drinking coffee, tea and alcohol, I tithed when I had no money to tithe, I attended Church even though the toxic environment made me so very suicidal – but I was never once worthy to go to the temple. I gave my entire life and sacrificed so much of myself to this Church, but it was never enough, at least not in my realm of the Bishop Roulette game. 

Why you ask? Because I, a female, engaged in masturbation (or as my bishops and LDS therapist said, ‘acted out sexually’) once every three months or so, without the use of porn or toys, etc. I had Bishops ask me gross questions about this. I had LDS therapists ignore my pleas to focus on my self-harm and mental health issues but instead they told me I was a sex addict and I was giving myself brain damage by touching myself, but boy did he seem to want to know all of the details and get off hearing it. I stopped going to therapy until I could afford a non-LDS therapist. I now have tattoos covering my self-harm scars from that time, I am no longer ashamed of my sexuality and have reclaimed that part of me in a way that the Church continues to condemn. 

When I say it hurts to leave the Church, it’s not because I’ve lost everything … it’s because people think that. It’s because people now think I am on my way to perdition when I die. I didn’t leave to go “sin” – I left much for the same reasons I’ve left any toxic and abusive situations … so I could be safe because no matter how calmly I expressed myself, asked questions, or tried so desperately to understand the racism and sexism in the Church, I was belittled. My voice didn’t matter, because yours and those like you were so much louder. Just as I have grieved the loss of my abusers by walking away from them and leaving them, I grieve the loss of the Church that spoke a “continuous atonement” and infinite love wrapped up in words that also told me I was not invited or welcomed in the house of the Lord. It took a long time to realize, I don’t want to be there. I am not bitter. I just love myself and who I am meant to be far more than I was ever allowed to. Not even God himself is allowed to hurt me, disrespect me, abuse me … because if that’s God, then as I’ve always said, I don’t want it.

I haven’t lost everything, Brad Wilcox. Joining the Church – that was when I lost so much of who I am.

I’ve gained everything by leaving. But simply by saying this, by sharing this … I’ll just be viewed as one of those bitter people declaring their resignation on social media. 

I do invite any who read this to listen to Bigger Man by Jay Oladokun & Marrin Morris, read the CES letter, research the BITE Model, research history both from Church sources and Non-Church sources (and no I don’t mean just go to FAIRLDS) and instead of conditioning your brain to tell you IF something is true, ask an open-ended such as “what is true”. Find your truth, even if that truth is the Mormon Church – but understand that I have already made my choice, even if the legal process is a bitch and my “name” is still there. To the Church, please consider this your invite to finally respond to my requests and remove me. I am more than happy to enter perdition. It’s okay. As Kesha said, “‘cause if there’s a Heaven, don’t care if we get in.”

Perhaps the reason we speak so “loudly” as ex-mormons, isn’t because we can’t leave the Church alone… it’s because they refuse to leave us alone. They think their point is more valid than ours because they are louder and holier. If I could simply leave in peace, if I didn’t have to watch my friends cry when their parents disown them for being gay or telling them that they are no longer going to be with them forever, if I didn’t have a toxic roommate tell me every chance she got that I wasn’t ever going to see my mom again but she was gonna see her dad forever in the Celestial Kingdom because she chooses to stay in the church and not “act out on same-sex attraction”, if I wasn’t walking away broken from years of trauma, then maybe I could do so quietly. Of course, any other churches I’ve stopped attending, I wasn’t so thoroughly traumatized by … and, I was able to leave without jumping through hoops to get my records removed so I can be left alone.

The Message version of the Bible (I know, I know…. The devil’s book – after all its writer came out supporting gay marriage now…) he translates a scripture you quoted in a way that has always resonated so deeply with my spirit. 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” –

Matthew 11:28-30

And I did “watch” Jesus in all those years of studying the New Testament long before I even thought of accepting an invitation to speak with the missionaries. I am brave enough to admit that I don’t know, but what I do now and I have said time and time again in my life – I know Love. I love the Jesus that I knew long before religion corrupted my view of him – whether or not he exists. And my Jesus, the one I was taught knows me so well – he knows why I walked away. He knows why I am okay with saying I do not have all of the answers – or any of the answers. My Jesus isn’t going to separate families if they leave the Church or aren’t worthy enough for the celestial kingdom.

One of my best friends and I, we talk a great deal about what that day will be like when we do die and how we imagine our pets and loved ones there to greet us, and Jesus wrapping us in the most healing hug ever and saying, “Wow, what hell even was that? That was so HARD – but you did it! What you went through? That wasn’t me. That was never me. And I am so sorry that the world made you believe it was – even just for a moment. You never deserved any of this. You were always worthy, always loved, you were always more than enough.”

I want to speak with grace and love while writing this letter, but I am human and I am hurting and so I know there will be moments when my anger is clear and sharp. But after listening to that fireside – my threat appraisal with members of the Church and everything related to it is a bit high. 

Faithfully,

An ex-Mormon who is hurting and confused by the teachings of the Church and the words spoken at this fireside

View Dr. Brad Wilcox’s fireside HERE! Don’t forget to also take a peek at my TikTok where I share my spiritual journey as an ex-Mormon, reptile content, #booktok vibes, and so much more.

Book Reviews

On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel by Brenda Marie Davies

Sara Elizabeth

Before I dive into how absolutely amazing this book is, I want to give a heads up that this review will be a bit different than my other book reviews. As someone in the process of leaving a high-demand religion and dealing with the damage of purity culture, this book hit close to home. In fact, that’s exactly why I chose to read it. I started following Brenda’s YouTube channel last year, around the same time I discovered Jaclyn Glenn. Both Jaclyn and Brenda’s videos have been healing for me as I deconstruct and grieve the loss of “God” or as Brenda calls this specific ‘god’, Purity God.

Don’t let the memoir, deconstructing faith aspect fool you, though. This isn’t simply a recollection of thoughts and experiences. Brenda has woven these pieces of her life into a book that feels magical. So much so, I kept thinking that it had a Weetzie Bat vibe to it. I felt like I was in Los Angeles, the magical and scary and unpredictable L.A. – you know the Shangri-L.A. kind? A coming-of-age and discovering the truth behind the curtain and how important it is to love ourselves and how precious we are.

I admire that throughout each chapter, even when Brenda details the ickier things she experienced, specifically in regard to religion, she does so in a way that is so accepting and understanding. I don’t believe in fighting fire with fire, and I know as former members of a high demand religion, we know exactly where these people are coming from. We were them. But it hurts so much and when we leave and deconstruct, it’s hard not to become bitter.

I related to Brenda’s “origin story” of entering the realms of Evangelicalism. While I was raised Christian, it wasn’t ever anything overwhelmingly controlling. I was never told I looked immodest or that sex is wrong. I wore short-short plaid skirts, sheer tops, watched rated R movies, dated older men, you name it. But somehow, I became deeply involved and seeking truth. I realize now that some of my “obsession” with finding the truth, particularly in regard to the apocalypse, was the beginnings of me developing religious OCD. I remember reading the Left Behind series, which I still love and enjoy, but I got so consumed. I’d read and re-read the book of Revelations. I studied with all sorts of denominations, including the Jehovah’s Witnesses for several years before meeting with Mormon missionaries and being baptized into the LDS Church. All the while, I thought every health problem, every bad thing I experienced, was because God had punished me for not being pure. I wasn’t pushed into a high demand religion by my family. I chose it myself. When trying to connect with ex-Mormons, it was hard to find anyone to relate to. They were raised into it, most of them. I was raised to love God but also to question him, to question everything… until the Church told me not to.

And I listened, as much as I could, but my soul had to stop because if God is Love then Purity God and Love couldn’t be one in the same. Brenda’s videos on her YouTube channel, GodIsGrey and her book was the validation I needed as I started the deconstructing process.

God, love, the Church, and life is messy. It is not simple. It is complicated. And it is most certainly not black and white – and that is okay. With that I think it’s safe to conclude how I feel about this book – 10 out of freaking 10 I recommend. No matter what you believe or don’t believe, this book gives so much insight to purity culture, high demand religions, trauma, abuse, and the list goes on. But it also provides hope and encouragement. So often we see these deconstructing books or videos from those who are 100% done with God/Jesus/etc. Which, I completely validate – but for those of us still somewhere in the middle, it’s validating to hear that that’s okay.

Oh, and as of writing this – the book is $5 for both Hardcover & Kindle. So, grab your copy & let me know what you think!

Poetry

To Walk Away – A Poem About Leaving the Mormon Church

Sara Elizabeth
https://youtu.be/7Rp-4oMTY7s

It’s been hard letting go something that was so central to my life. Yet at the same time it was something that caused a lot of trauma in my life. Be sure to subscribe to my YouTube for more content! I also have a Patreon with lots of exciting things being shared. Visit @ linktr.ee/janexrochester for more info!

Can you give me some comfort

Can you offer some peace?

I feel as though I’m forsaking God

Because it seems like He’s forsaken me

“The Church is perfect but the people are not”

How can you say that? Have you forgot – 

The words from prophets they claimed were inspired

The lies, the abuse; I shrink away from the hand of God

I want to believe. I don’t want to walk away.

It’s just so painful to stay

Can you give me some comfort?

Can you offer some peace?

I’d ask my Heavenly Father 

But it seems He doesn’t listen to me

“Doubt your doubts”, “Invite the spirit.”

But no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to feel it.

You invalidate my trauma, claiming it was inspired

A spiritual lesson learned; I shrink away from the hand of God

I want to ask for help. I want to pray.

It’s just so painful to stay.

Can you give me some comfort?

Can you offer some peace?

God knows my soul is wearing thin

Its too much to bear. I beg of you, of anyone, please hear me

“Choose the Right”, “Blessings come when we keep the commandments”

I guess I’ve failed and I’ve been abandoned

Everything is gonna be okay, so called blessings that are inspired

Unconditional love but conditional peace; I shrink away from the hand of God

I want to be loved. I want more than anything to stay.

It’s just so painful to walk away.

Mental Health, Religion

If Nothing Else, I Choose Love – Leaving the Mormon Church and Taking a Spiritual Break

Sara Elizabeth

It’s interesting how Mormon culture shames those who leave because the doubts, the lies, and the pain became too much. You are taught that God will love you unconditionally, but if you turn your back, if you deny the things you “know” are true, you will forsake the Celestial Kingdom. (And from my understanding, any other kingdom? I had been told on multiple occasions the only way to hell aka Perdition is by denying God after knowing all these wonderful truths.) It’s a similar train of thought in other Christian religions I’ve studied with – if you lose that mustard seed of faith, if you don’t have God anymore, your life is empty and meaningless. You might as well book a one-way ticket to Hell, unless you change your ways, of course. But God’s all-knowing, right? If that’s the case, wouldn’t he understand how hard it is to believe? To suffer the abuse from your so-called brothers and sisters in Christ? Wouldn’t he know that sometimes the religious trauma impacts your mental health so deeply, you just need to do what’s best for you to be safe…even if that means taking a break from it all?

I’ve struggled with religious OCD and anxiety symptoms since I was just a little girl. I’ve always feared death and doubted the existence of Heaven or an after-life. In fact, that’s my biggest fears, y’all. It’s not so much the dying, it’s the not being in control and potentially ceasing to exist that freaks me the fuck out. When I was 11 years old, I had just finished reading Mourning Song by Lurlene McDaniel. If you’ve read any of Lurlene’s books, you know they deal with death and dying a lot. This particular book is part of the One Last Wish series and the main character had a brain tumor. She was dying. I had just finished reading the book when my mother called me from my room to let me know that my MRI results had come back. I was having headaches and petit mal seizures (though I didn’t know that’s what they were at the time!). I had a growth in my brain, she said, tears in her eyes. I asked her if I had cancer and she said no, but we’ll find out more at the doctors. My first thought? “God is punishing me for masturbating.” Well, kind of, cause I didn’t know it was called masturbation. I thought only guys masturbated, but I knew what I was doing was related to sex and sex was bad and God hated me and this was his punishment. I just knew I was going to go blind like the girl in the book. And more importantly, I was going to die. I cried so hard, having what I now know is a panic attack, shaking and crying and praying fervently that God forgive me and I won’t ever do it again and please don’t let me die.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t die. I also didn’t stop masturbating, but each time I was filled with so much anxiety and fear of being punished. 

Fast forward, I’m 16 and this cute boy that worked at the market took me out on a date. Well, he said it was a date. He was in his 20s but I didn’t care, cause you know, I was a CHILD. Anyway, I was wearing a pink tinkerbell shirt and jeans. I was on my period and I had a pad on, because I didn’t even know how to use a tampon at that point. We drove to the middle of nowhere and he asked if I touched myself. I refused to answer. He proceeded to tell me to close my eyes and touched me, working his way down, and I flushed with embarrassment as he poked where my pad was, eyes flying open, and grabbing his hand to push it away. I was shaking. I was scared I was going to be raped. He reluctantly took me home. A few days later and I put on that same pink shirt and later had a spell of facial drooping and numbness. (We now think those are mini strokes, but that’s a story for another time!) As always, I tied the symptoms of my physical health to my disobedience to the Lord. I was being punished. I was going to die. And this fear slowly morphed into me not wearing certain clothes, things having to feel right if I did them or wore it, and basically just your average day in OCD. But I couldn’t even pray to God for help, because I was afraid the devil would intercept my prayers. 

After some self-prescribed exposure therapy and a deeper understanding of a loving God, I started letting go of these fears. When I read Melody Carlson’s “The Other Side of Darkness”, I found such peace and comfort. The book dealt with a character who has a religious OCD and I felt so validated and I knew that those dark thoughts didn’t come from God.

And we as Christians always say that. I mean, except for the fear-preaching ones… But we say that God will not give us a spirit of fear when quoting the Bible. And we use this to distinguish what is from God and what is not. But this all just gets so blurred and all-consuming when you have an anxiety disorder. And all that hard work I put into recovering from my religious anxiety, it’s all slipping away. The experiences of being in the Church, of living through terrible trauma and being told it is God’s plan for me to suffer so I can learn and grow or whatever, having my grief compared to losing a pet by my bishop at the time, shamed for the clothes I wore, the tattoos I had, the color of my hair, my piercings, and oh yeah… back to the masturbating? I was never temple worthy because of that. No matter what Bishop I saw. I was never good enough to go to the temple. Eventually I gave up on that idea and just went back to drinking coffee and tea, cause what the hell, right?

And before anyone says “that’s just the Mormons”… it happens in other denominations all the time. Remember, I wasn’t Mormon all my life. Or even most of my life. I was Christian. I had attended Baptist, Pentecostal, Jehovah’s Witnesses, non-denominational, and many other denominations. 

The point is… I need a break. From religion. From spirituality. If I practice meditation and manifesting good vibes or whatever, I start to panic that its of the devil. Or if I read about a non-Christian religion or spiritualist ideas, I get scared that I’m doing something wrong. If I don’t pray, I feel scared. If I do pray, I feel scared. And finally, after all of these events, my heart shattered when I was listening to my favorite worship and Christian songs and not only did I not feel the spirit. I just felt so anxious and sick and afraid. What if God doesn’t exist and I die and there’s nothing? Or what if God does exist and he’s done with me now?

And so I’m taking a break and I’m focusing on my safety and my peace. I do intend to continue meditating and manifesting, because it does bring me joy and helps me, and I personally see nothing wrong in it, but I’ve had so many voices from the past, or presently online, and whatnot condemning anything and everything and its too much. So for now: I choose Love. I choose what’s good. I choose to accept that I don’t know everything and that maybe I may take the wrong path and stumble and fall, but I also know that I choose to believe that whatever happens, this Love that I choose, is not going to condemn me for making a mistake or losing my way, when Love has been so patiently silent on the matter, and maybe that’s because Love is everywhere. There are so many ideas and beliefs about Love but because people are not Love and everyone connects to Love differently, I haven’t found my place yet. But I will. I know that much is true. 

(….In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen? 😅 )

For more stories like this, I’ll be sharing more soon on my Patreon! Be sure to subscribe!