Tag: Mental Health

Uncategorized

Dark Night of the Soul and the Isolation of Trauma

Sara Elizabeth

Please note that while I will be exploring trauma through the lens of spirituality, I am by no means engaging in toxic positivity or spiritual bypassing. I do not believe that trauma is necessary for growth. This is my experience in a complicated world where my beliefs are constantly shifting. I will forever preach mundane over magic. The experiences shared in this article are not intended for medical advice. Please seek out professional help if you are in crisis. Spiritual practices are beautiful and healing but they are not a substitute for the care we need in the bodies and world we inhabit. 

It’s hard to pin down exactly when the foundations of my life started to crumble. My life has always been a bit chaotic and unstable. It was as if I never quite fit in. Maybe it’s the neurodivergency of it all. But I think the beginning of the end happened on August 10, 2019. The day my mother died. I won’t bore you with the details—or trauma dump, as the cool kids lacking in empathy say—but grief is a beast of its own, and sometimes that beast unlocks our shadows, wreaks havoc on our nervous system, and sends us on the lonely journey spiritualists call the Dark Night of the Soul. 

God and Satan’s Pissing Contest

Though I no longer resonate with Christianity, I do relate deeply to Job from the Bible. This man became the target of a pissing contest between Yaweh and what Christians label as the devil. Basically, the devil was like, “Yo, do you think Job would still love you even if you stripped everything away from him?” And God, prideful and abusive as ever, said Job would never forsake him. Satan said bet, and God abandoned Job. He let his family be murdered. He let this man lose absolutely everything while those all-too-familiar well-meaning people stop by to question our faith. Seriously, it’s pretty fucked up, but of course, it was my favorite book in the Bible growing up. I knew exactly what it was like to lose the things I love and have people belittle my faith. 

“Consider now: Who, being innocent, has ever perished? Where were the upright ever destroyed? As I have observed,b those who plow evil and those who sow trouble reap it.” Job 4:7-8 NIV

“Surely God does not reject one who is blameless or strengthen the hands of evildoers.” – Job 8:20 NIV

When we are walking the path of the Dark Night of the Soul, our foundations crumble. As a tarot reader, we see this energy in The Tower card. The tower collapses. It’s horrific. It’s impossible. We lose what is most precious and foundational to our being… and yet, we continue to exist, and it’s through this existence we experience rebirth and rebuild. 

Maybe I’m not a great builder, but if reading for individuals and collective energy has taught me anything, it’s that these tower moments, these dark nights of the soul, they are endless. They happen time and time again. And we rebuild time and time again. Some have it worse than others. Maybe it’s just the way of life in a cold, cruel world… but even if we remove the spiritual lens, it’s traumatic as fuck. 

I could write an entire novel dissecting this experience through the perception of Gnosticism, Hermeticism, and various belief systems… and yet, it doesn’t stop it. Not entirely. So, what’s a girl to do when she is sitting homeless in a motel, crying to the all-too-fitting song “Indigo”, and wondering why she is being given the Job treatment without any end in sight?

Trauma Dumping or Lore—You Pick!

Weeks before my mom passed, I could feel my deceased father’s presence so intensely that I was convinced he was there for me. I thought I was dying. To be honest, I never expected to outlive my mother. I even told an old friend, Thomas, that if my mom died, that was it. No more fighting to stay alive. But I did. I stayed alive. 

I cried. I healed with roommates and friends and music and movies. I started my dream job with a publisher. I reconnected with Thomas. I came out as bisexual. I left the Mormon church. I started living authentically. I found such deep healing during that awful grieving period. Then COVID happened. I lost my job. I moved back to California and the liminal desert I always hated. I had my first mystery health episode that seemed to be the pandora’s box for endless suffering. I lost all of my friends—a cycle that seems to keep repeating, as if the Universe offers me enough hope and stability so it can have the desired impact when it rips everything away from me once again. 

From the wild-eyed woman outside the Vegas airport who declared she knew what I was and threatened to kill me at 4 A.M. to the ambulance rides where my blood pressure was 300/250 and climbing as the EMTs yelled at me to eating rotten food and starving even when I had money because no one could be bothered to help me get to the store… I do think my suffering is calculated. Divinely designed. In the midst of all this suffering, these looping Dark Nights, I found myself Kundalini activated… and no, I don’t mean the sexy yoga vibes. I mean that soul-crushing awakening sparked by a soul-tie so deep no cord cutting can remove it. 

I have no reason to be here. I have only a few days left in this motel and then… nothing. I’m exhausted. I don’t know how much longer my mind or body can survive. The last few weeks I’ve spent ripping out my hair, hitting myself, and essentially entering spiritual psychosis.

But maybe I do have a reason to be alive. Maybe there is some reason. I think about how a few years before my mother’s death, my friend at the time asked me why I think bad things happen. I told her they just do, and I don’t think there’s any reason for it. I hate the way people use spiritual bypassing to overlook trauma or justify it. Being raped by my ex-husband and experiencing abuse was not part of any higher power’s plan. If it is, they can fuck off. And yes, I will boldly tell a deity, even Yaweh, to fuck off. She couldn’t understand how I could hold space for these awful things without justification and still hold space for prayer. I guess in ways, although I had yet to admit it to myself, I could feel the darkness in Yaweh. In religious structures. In this world.

I will forever hold space for duality without justifying the darkness. If you are navigating this, I want you to know you are not alone. Please, know that there is hope—I say this from deep in the trenches, hopeless most days, but hope is all we have. After the Tower in tarot comes the Star. The Star is hope. It is wish fulfillment. Sometimes, I think this hope may only exist in death. May that change for me one day. 

I intend to dive deeper into this, especially Kundalini activation, and what has helped me navigate these energies and keep myself grounded. If I make it out of this alive… or even if I don’t, even if I only exist a few more days … if giving up is my final act of love for myself … I want to give others the support and love I didn’t receive. Even if it’s just one person who reads this and takes away the truth that these dark nights and activations are not easy, and they come through no fault of our own. 

You deserve peace. You deserve healing. And hey, they say once we navigate this, we will be able to heal ourselves and those around us. 

May we finally shift from dark nights to bright days, 

Sara Elizabeth

Mental Health

Were you really #FreeBritney? Or just being trendy?

Sara Elizabeth

You might’ve noticed the harsh comments flooding in on Britney Spears’ Instagram these days. Whether it’s her dancing videos, censored nudes, or seemingly scattered captions – people are taking her behavior as a sign that maybe she does belong in a conservatorship. It’s this exact mindset we were fighting against. I’m not going to break down why there is literally nothing wrong with her content, because that’s an entirely different topic, but I will share some thoughts that perhaps should be considered before leaving a tactless comment. 

We should support @britneyspears and however she needs to heal to reclaim her body and its autonomy. – https://bit.ly/3O6Fj27 #FreeBritney

I get it, guys. A lot of us are still worried about Britney and if she truly is OK. This is a completely valid concern, and I am sure the people close to her are also wondering the same thing— but in a different way. How? Because they know her, and they must know how hard this is for her. Let me preface this by saying, I have no idea who Britney Spears is. I could study every interview, every photo, and every post for years but at the end of the day, I do not know her. What I do know is trauma. Trauma and I are intimately familiar with each other and though my trauma is not at all like hers, there is often a significant similarity in how trauma responses present in its victims. If we do know anything, it’s that Britney suffered a great deal of trauma at the hands of her own family and those she trusted most.

In the early stages of the #FreeBritney movement, most of us were eager to argue that mental illness, even severe mental illness, isn’t automatic grounds to be in a conservatorship. So, what changed? I mean, come on, raise your hand if you have a mental health diagnosis and your breakdowns look far worse than the 2007 media frenzy that Britney Spears had to endure. Keep your hand raised if you also have had extremely questionable social media posts or scary episodes than what Brit’s socials display. *Raises hand* Seriously, if you go stalk my socials, you’ll get a fun little look at the mind of someone who is mentally ill AF. 

Everyone who is up in arms over her (mostly) nude photographs didn’t give a fuck about her being sexualized when she was a minor. We should support however she needs to heal and reclaim her body and its autonomy. As long as she is safe and not a risk to others and herself, it’s none of our business. This is true for the people we actually know — not only the celebrities we haven’t the slightest clue about. 

And while it is ridiculous that everyone is judging her because she’s not who they want her to be post-#FreeBritney movement… Here are some things to keep in mind from your locally mentally ill bitch 😅 This is also important to keep in mind when it comes to friends and family members who are going through trauma and mental health struggles, especially if you’re the type to think in a way that has been described above:

  • Coming off of psych meds is HELL. I am currently experiencing a mild version of this after discontinuing my Lithium and Zoloft. It was worsening my blood pressure issues, but I’m already getting the dreaded brain zaps, feeling spicy depression, and that manic need to chop my hair off, change my name, and move to Sweden. Some medications are far more problematic – like Effexor. That medication being on it and discontinuing it left me thinking no one was real, everyone I knew was angles sent to punish me for being evil. I had a fever, chills, seizures, brain zaps, extreme impulsive behaviors, and the list goes on for months. I was often in bed, shivering and sweating, and unable to hold a conversation with anyone. When I did, my words were so fast and I was jittery. It was BAD.  So, I am sure Britney is figuring out what medications she actually wants/needs to be on, experiencing withdrawals, side effects, etc.
  • Trauma, my dears, it’s not fucking easy. As someone with C-PTSD / Borderline Personality Disorder and a plethora of other issues, I am as I said earlier, intimately familiar with trauma. As a result, there are times when I behave recklessly, this includes but is definitely not limited to: overspending, engaging in unsafe sexual activity, or other self-harming behavior. This is a reflection of my body responding to the trauma I’ve endured. This is not grounds for saying someone belongs in a conservatorship. 
  • Instead of taking the time out of your day to judge Britney Spears, other celebrities, or even your own family and friends — people do not exist for you. Try putting some of that effort into your own shadow work, self-care, and growth. You’ll be amazed how much happier you feel and maybe you’ll see that the people you eagerly criticize have already started this journey and that’s why they don’t care what you think and they keep doing whatever it is they need to heal.
Religion

An Open Letter to Dr. Brad Wilcox

Sara Elizabeth

Dear Brad Wilcox, 

(and the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who agree with the words he shared during his fireside)

I don’t anticipate you or those whose beliefs align harmoniously with yours to understand the grief and pain that comes with leaving the Church. I don’t expect those immersed in the faith to understand that this grief and pain is not a lack of the “Holy Ghost” or because of “turning our back on God”. I wish more than anything that we could all just take a step back from the judgment and assumptions as to why people leave the Church —- or even why people stay.

Before even being baptized, a phrase the missionaries repeated almost every time we met, “the Church is perfect but the people are not.” And so, when I was deeply hurt and abused by members within the Church, I repeated this like a mantra. When people questioned me if I ever even felt the Spirit because I was hesitant and scared to go through the temple and receive my endowments, I disconnected myself and replied calmly through my tears that yes, I have felt the spirit. “Are you sure?” a sister in my ward asked. “Why did you join the Church? Did you feel the Spirit before joining? You know, some women only join because they thought the missionaries teaching them were cute.” I can grasp that there are things that are sacred to Mormonism and other religions in the world, but I didn’t feel safe or comfortable when I wasn’t allowed to know what was going to happen until it happened. 

When I came out as bisexual, people who didn’t even bother to speak to me for years – even when I reached out, even when I experienced loss upon loss, and needed a friend … they suddenly had the “Spirit” tell them to reach out to me and let me know that “it’s okay if you are gay, but you can’t act on it”. Essential strangers telling me what I can and cannot do with my body. Strangers who I knew were guilty of ignoring a sister in the Church’s pleas to “stop”. Strangers who despite their sexual “transgressions” (or as I and the rest of the world calls it, rape) and their Bishop knew of these events, were still able to pass the sacrament and go to the temple because they were worthy. I’ve not had sex or kissed anyone in well over five years, I stopped drinking coffee, tea and alcohol, I tithed when I had no money to tithe, I attended Church even though the toxic environment made me so very suicidal – but I was never once worthy to go to the temple. I gave my entire life and sacrificed so much of myself to this Church, but it was never enough, at least not in my realm of the Bishop Roulette game. 

Why you ask? Because I, a female, engaged in masturbation (or as my bishops and LDS therapist said, ‘acted out sexually’) once every three months or so, without the use of porn or toys, etc. I had Bishops ask me gross questions about this. I had LDS therapists ignore my pleas to focus on my self-harm and mental health issues but instead they told me I was a sex addict and I was giving myself brain damage by touching myself, but boy did he seem to want to know all of the details and get off hearing it. I stopped going to therapy until I could afford a non-LDS therapist. I now have tattoos covering my self-harm scars from that time, I am no longer ashamed of my sexuality and have reclaimed that part of me in a way that the Church continues to condemn. 

When I say it hurts to leave the Church, it’s not because I’ve lost everything … it’s because people think that. It’s because people now think I am on my way to perdition when I die. I didn’t leave to go “sin” – I left much for the same reasons I’ve left any toxic and abusive situations … so I could be safe because no matter how calmly I expressed myself, asked questions, or tried so desperately to understand the racism and sexism in the Church, I was belittled. My voice didn’t matter, because yours and those like you were so much louder. Just as I have grieved the loss of my abusers by walking away from them and leaving them, I grieve the loss of the Church that spoke a “continuous atonement” and infinite love wrapped up in words that also told me I was not invited or welcomed in the house of the Lord. It took a long time to realize, I don’t want to be there. I am not bitter. I just love myself and who I am meant to be far more than I was ever allowed to. Not even God himself is allowed to hurt me, disrespect me, abuse me … because if that’s God, then as I’ve always said, I don’t want it.

I haven’t lost everything, Brad Wilcox. Joining the Church – that was when I lost so much of who I am.

I’ve gained everything by leaving. But simply by saying this, by sharing this … I’ll just be viewed as one of those bitter people declaring their resignation on social media. 

I do invite any who read this to listen to Bigger Man by Jay Oladokun & Marrin Morris, read the CES letter, research the BITE Model, research history both from Church sources and Non-Church sources (and no I don’t mean just go to FAIRLDS) and instead of conditioning your brain to tell you IF something is true, ask an open-ended such as “what is true”. Find your truth, even if that truth is the Mormon Church – but understand that I have already made my choice, even if the legal process is a bitch and my “name” is still there. To the Church, please consider this your invite to finally respond to my requests and remove me. I am more than happy to enter perdition. It’s okay. As Kesha said, “‘cause if there’s a Heaven, don’t care if we get in.”

Perhaps the reason we speak so “loudly” as ex-mormons, isn’t because we can’t leave the Church alone… it’s because they refuse to leave us alone. They think their point is more valid than ours because they are louder and holier. If I could simply leave in peace, if I didn’t have to watch my friends cry when their parents disown them for being gay or telling them that they are no longer going to be with them forever, if I didn’t have a toxic roommate tell me every chance she got that I wasn’t ever going to see my mom again but she was gonna see her dad forever in the Celestial Kingdom because she chooses to stay in the church and not “act out on same-sex attraction”, if I wasn’t walking away broken from years of trauma, then maybe I could do so quietly. Of course, any other churches I’ve stopped attending, I wasn’t so thoroughly traumatized by … and, I was able to leave without jumping through hoops to get my records removed so I can be left alone.

The Message version of the Bible (I know, I know…. The devil’s book – after all its writer came out supporting gay marriage now…) he translates a scripture you quoted in a way that has always resonated so deeply with my spirit. 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” –

Matthew 11:28-30

And I did “watch” Jesus in all those years of studying the New Testament long before I even thought of accepting an invitation to speak with the missionaries. I am brave enough to admit that I don’t know, but what I do now and I have said time and time again in my life – I know Love. I love the Jesus that I knew long before religion corrupted my view of him – whether or not he exists. And my Jesus, the one I was taught knows me so well – he knows why I walked away. He knows why I am okay with saying I do not have all of the answers – or any of the answers. My Jesus isn’t going to separate families if they leave the Church or aren’t worthy enough for the celestial kingdom.

One of my best friends and I, we talk a great deal about what that day will be like when we do die and how we imagine our pets and loved ones there to greet us, and Jesus wrapping us in the most healing hug ever and saying, “Wow, what hell even was that? That was so HARD – but you did it! What you went through? That wasn’t me. That was never me. And I am so sorry that the world made you believe it was – even just for a moment. You never deserved any of this. You were always worthy, always loved, you were always more than enough.”

I want to speak with grace and love while writing this letter, but I am human and I am hurting and so I know there will be moments when my anger is clear and sharp. But after listening to that fireside – my threat appraisal with members of the Church and everything related to it is a bit high. 

Faithfully,

An ex-Mormon who is hurting and confused by the teachings of the Church and the words spoken at this fireside

View Dr. Brad Wilcox’s fireside HERE! Don’t forget to also take a peek at my TikTok where I share my spiritual journey as an ex-Mormon, reptile content, #booktok vibes, and so much more.

Book Reviews

On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel by Brenda Marie Davies

Sara Elizabeth

Before I dive into how absolutely amazing this book is, I want to give a heads up that this review will be a bit different than my other book reviews. As someone in the process of leaving a high-demand religion and dealing with the damage of purity culture, this book hit close to home. In fact, that’s exactly why I chose to read it. I started following Brenda’s YouTube channel last year, around the same time I discovered Jaclyn Glenn. Both Jaclyn and Brenda’s videos have been healing for me as I deconstruct and grieve the loss of “God” or as Brenda calls this specific ‘god’, Purity God.

Don’t let the memoir, deconstructing faith aspect fool you, though. This isn’t simply a recollection of thoughts and experiences. Brenda has woven these pieces of her life into a book that feels magical. So much so, I kept thinking that it had a Weetzie Bat vibe to it. I felt like I was in Los Angeles, the magical and scary and unpredictable L.A. – you know the Shangri-L.A. kind? A coming-of-age and discovering the truth behind the curtain and how important it is to love ourselves and how precious we are.

I admire that throughout each chapter, even when Brenda details the ickier things she experienced, specifically in regard to religion, she does so in a way that is so accepting and understanding. I don’t believe in fighting fire with fire, and I know as former members of a high demand religion, we know exactly where these people are coming from. We were them. But it hurts so much and when we leave and deconstruct, it’s hard not to become bitter.

I related to Brenda’s “origin story” of entering the realms of Evangelicalism. While I was raised Christian, it wasn’t ever anything overwhelmingly controlling. I was never told I looked immodest or that sex is wrong. I wore short-short plaid skirts, sheer tops, watched rated R movies, dated older men, you name it. But somehow, I became deeply involved and seeking truth. I realize now that some of my “obsession” with finding the truth, particularly in regard to the apocalypse, was the beginnings of me developing religious OCD. I remember reading the Left Behind series, which I still love and enjoy, but I got so consumed. I’d read and re-read the book of Revelations. I studied with all sorts of denominations, including the Jehovah’s Witnesses for several years before meeting with Mormon missionaries and being baptized into the LDS Church. All the while, I thought every health problem, every bad thing I experienced, was because God had punished me for not being pure. I wasn’t pushed into a high demand religion by my family. I chose it myself. When trying to connect with ex-Mormons, it was hard to find anyone to relate to. They were raised into it, most of them. I was raised to love God but also to question him, to question everything… until the Church told me not to.

And I listened, as much as I could, but my soul had to stop because if God is Love then Purity God and Love couldn’t be one in the same. Brenda’s videos on her YouTube channel, GodIsGrey and her book was the validation I needed as I started the deconstructing process.

God, love, the Church, and life is messy. It is not simple. It is complicated. And it is most certainly not black and white – and that is okay. With that I think it’s safe to conclude how I feel about this book – 10 out of freaking 10 I recommend. No matter what you believe or don’t believe, this book gives so much insight to purity culture, high demand religions, trauma, abuse, and the list goes on. But it also provides hope and encouragement. So often we see these deconstructing books or videos from those who are 100% done with God/Jesus/etc. Which, I completely validate – but for those of us still somewhere in the middle, it’s validating to hear that that’s okay.

Oh, and as of writing this – the book is $5 for both Hardcover & Kindle. So, grab your copy & let me know what you think!

Personal Stories, Unsent Letters

An Open Letter to the ER Doctor

Sara Elizabeth

To the doctor who saw me at the ER last night, My breasts are not inherently sexual.

Examining the staph infection that has taken over 1/4 of my breasts – not to mention to all of sores the sores that keep getting worse and are not responding to antibiotics over – is not sexual.

But your religion taught you that my body as a female is sexual and dirty and wrong.

Because of this, you a freaking medical doctor working in an emergency room, refused to examine it my staph infection. Instead you asked me if I had a picture. Thankfully I did actually have a picture.I had taken one that I sent over to my friend and sister to show how bad it’s been getting. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t overreacting, since every single health issue I have has been diminished and neglected by the majority of the doctors I’ve seen. I didn’t want to waste my time going – but everyone said I should.

I’m used to going to do doctors while having seizures, numbness, drooping face, and a plethora of other symptoms. And I’m used to them brushing it off or telling me which specialist to go to next. I’m not used to being sexualized. By. A. Doctor.

You looked at the picture left the room without a word. I waited and waited, feeling ashamed and stupid for even bothering to come in. I would’ve gone to urgent care instead, but they don’t accept my insurance. I would’ve waited for the doctor, but it was the weekend and this was just getting worse. I almost got up and left.

While I dealt with my own crisis, debating whether to just give up and leave, I can only assume you were having a moral crisis given the size of the infection whether you should look at my breast or not. I’m sure you saw the results of my biopsy from my last visit that this is indeed a staph infection and it’s not responding to treatment.

Finally, you came back and examined it. After squeezing when there is clearly no puss and pushing and pinching it in every which way, while I writhed in pain, you said

“It’s not that bad.”

I am aware that is not as bad as an infection can be. But the fact that its spreading, I was running a low-grade fever, and everything else going on with my body – I am trying to get someone to listen before it does get “that bad”.

I am positive if you had this size of a wound on your penis or testicles, you would be bed ridden, demanding treatment immediately. There have been so many studies done on how doctors (even female doctors) do not take female patients seriously. A man can go in with the same demeanor, presenting the same symptoms, and he will get tests, treatment, and referrals more often than women who have the same symptoms or diagnosis.

Maybe if this infection was on my arm, the doctor would have felt the need to treat it.

Maybe if my psych stays weren’t in my medical record.

Maybe if I fit the Mormon image and didn’t have tattoos and piercings and colored hair.

Maybe if I wasn’t obese – because fat people choose to be fat and they choose to be sick because all of their problems are related to their weight, right?

Maybe if I fit whatever your ideal is of a sick patient who deserves treatment… maybe this infection would already be gone.

PS. To you and all the other doctors who are quick to tell me I don’t have cancer and don’t need a mammogram because its all surface lesions, please kindly go back to medical school and study inflammatory breast cancer, skin cancer, and cancer in hormonal glands. While I am mostly positive that this is simply a Lupus/Scleroderma/MS flare and it’s causing all of my body’s issues – whatever the cause, I deserve proper treatment.

Thanks…. but not really,

S.

Mental Health, Personal Stories

Where the Heck Have I Been? Life Update!

Sara Elizabeth

2020 was a horrific year for all of us. And 2021 has been kind of a mess, too! At the end of 2020 I was basically shipped off by the Church to go live with my family in California. My health got progressively worse and the doctors in that small desert town weren’t able to help. Not only that but being in said small town left me with very few options for work. In fact, it was impossible to even get an interview. By what can only be described as a miracle I made it back to Utah alive.

The trip back to Utah was frightening to say the least! Stay tuned for my vlog update in which I detail how a Mormon con-woman picked me up in Barstow, California and started smoking something that was DEFINITELY NOT weed or cigarettes on the way there. Oh, and we almost got hit a few times!

For now, I want to write about all the positive things that have happened.

I got to know my niece and nephew better! Peyton is such a beautiful almost-teenager and so fun to hang out with. Christian is your typical teenage boy, screaming at his video games and gamer friends. 😅 I also got to meet some pretty cool animals. Sassy, Midnight, and Vamperina – the cutest doggie and kitties ever!

I also got to meet some pretty cool animals. Sassy, Midnight, and Vamperina – the cutest doggie and kitties ever!

I also started the journey of loving myself no matter what size I am. I learning my worth and never again will I say cruel things to myself. I have so much divine worth. (And so do you!) But more on that later!

I’ve been back for a few months now. In these few months, while my health struggles are still present, things have been looking up. I have a place to live, an absolutely amazing job, and I am slowly but surely getting set up with the specialists I need to treat my autoimmune diseases and epilepsy. This isn’t to exude toxic positivity because the hell I’ve suffered and at times continue to suffer through is still very real, valid, and it deserves to be acknowledged. And it has been – in conversations with my friends, co-workers, and Love (aka God/Jesus cause I’m going through a faith crisis 😅)

Soon I will post some insane story times – in the meantime be sure to give my TikTok account a follow @ weetziewishes, check out my YouTube channel, and be sure to support on Patreon for exclusive access to unpublished works, early access to books, shout outs, and more! All of which can be found here https://linktr.ee/janexrochester

Mental Health, Personal Stories, Poems & Literature

Writing My Mother’s Story

Sara Elizabeth

In 12 days it will be two years since my mom passed away. It feels so much longer than that. In those two years, I have experienced an entire lifetime of heartbreak, trauma, change (both good and bad) – I am an entirely different person. So much so that I don’t quite know how to fit in with my friends and the city in which I live. The only constant since her passing has been the grief. I miss her my mom so much. 

My mom had a difficult life and the older I get the more I realize how unfair the hand she had been dealt was. She always said she wanted to write a story about her life – and even suggested we write it together. We never got that chance. And so I am compiling all of the stories she has told me together to create her story – because her story deserves to be told. 

It’s not easy, though. In ways it helps me feel closer to her but it also solidifies the fact that she is gone. I’ve started the process of connection with family and friends who might be able to help fill in parts I forgot or parts she never told me. I imagine this will be the most exhaustive and the most rewarding writing project I have tackled.

While it’s just in the beginning stages, I will be sharing snippets with my subscribers on Patreon. (I already posted the Prologue!) It’s only a $1 for the basic package and you get access to a lot of sneak peeks and Early Access content!

Feel free to check it out here: https://www.patreon.com/saraelizabeth
Book Reviews

Book Review: A Tragic Kind of Wonderful by Eric Lindstrom

Sara Elizabeth

I’ll be reviewing this book by Eric Lindstrom, but I’d like to make a quick note first.

With all the hype about 13 Reasons Why and a million people sounding off about the television show and the book, I thought it’d be a good idea for me to read a fictional book about mental health. It’s no secret that I have very strong opinions on 13 Reasons Why. I hated the book. While I could appreciate the acting and various aspects of show on Netflix, it still left me feeling upset. What makes me more upset is when I scroll through my Facebook feed and see so much more misunderstanding on the subject of suicide and mental health. Some have become more understanding, or may even related to the main character. It depends on one’s outlook, of course. But for me, although I could relate to Hannah’s emotions and reactivity to situations, I hated that she blamed others and caused so much damage.

(Also just to clarify, I do think Jay Asher if a talented writer. It’s not the writing or the book, it’s the way it’s being portrayed especially within Netflix’s take on the matter.)

So, anyway, I was at the library shortly after I finished watching the series. This book stood out to me because of its beautiful cover and title. I hardly ever judge a book by its cover, but between that and its title, I knew I had to read it. I was even happier to read the book jacket and discover it dealt with Bipolar. It was exactly what I was looking for!

There are several characters (within the main character’s family) that are diagnosed with Bipolar, which is quite common with mental health. It can definitely “run in the family”. Our main character is Mel. She is a teenager in high school that is managing her mental health. What I liked so much about this book is that the character actually acts and sounds like her age. All too often, I read YA novels where there’s a 16-year-old girl/boy who sounds like they’re 25. Reading in Mel’s point-of-view, it wasn’t overly mature or too intense. She had silly, fun thoughts. She talked like a teenager too. She didn’t declare profound intellectual ideas – and when she did, it was in the way a teenager might. Basically, it didn’t feel like the adult author was seeping into the character.

When we join Mel, she is adjusting to her life with new friends and still struggling with the loss of old ones. There’s a mess of a secret behind what happened to her, but Mel is so carefully guarded, she doesn’t think about it too much. Bullying, high school drama, first love, and death – you follow Mel as she tries to process all these things. You see her stable. You understand how hard therapy can be. You see her take her medications. You know how they help keep her stable. You see her fall apart. And when Mel falls apart, it’s so realistic. Being manic, her thoughts are racing and connecting and it’s a huge run on sentence, but it works. Because that’s how you think when your mind can’t slow down. Reading through her breakdowns, you see how everything connects in the mind of someone who is struggling with mental health. I loved that so much, because the author represented the struggle and balancing act of being “normal” so well. Also, that feeling of how painful it is knowing that you’re not “normal”. Often times, with a mental health diagnosis, we feel (and this can unfortunately be the case at times) that once people know our diagnosis they will treat us differently. It’s not to be rude, but they’ll be more careful. They’ll watch us differently than they had before. You can never go back to how things were before, because you’re not “safe” to them anymore.

If you’re wanting to get in the mind of someone who is depressed, anxious, or struggling with a disorder such as Bipolar, this is truly a great novel. Everyone experiences these things differently, but this a great start to at least try to grasp the thoughts one might struggle with.

Also, it’s a really ‘innocent’ book. It didn’t go into graphic detail on certain things, yet it was real. Of course, some may find it triggering simply because it deals with mental health, but that’s something one must figure out on their own. It wasn’t filled with sex or drugs. Even the romance in the novel wasn’t the main focus, which I think is great. I give this novel 5 out of 5 stars. It was a great representation of mental health and being a teenager. It also had a really beautiful plot!

Film Reviews

13 Reasons Why: My Love/(Mostly)Hate Relationship

Sara Elizabeth

CONTENT WARNING: This blog post will be dealing with the topics featured in 13 Reasons Why, including rape and suicide.

I have done my best to make this post entirely spoiler free. External links will contain spoilers. 

Before the TV show even came out – the moment I heard about its production, I was filled with mixed thoughts. I read the book years ago. I hated. I liked certain aspects, but mostly I just really freaking hated it. I literally threw the book while reading it because the content made me so angry.

As someone who has struggled for quite some time with suicidal ideation, I was intrigued when I saw the book. Often times, I’ve used books as coping mechanisms. They are not only my outlet to escape reality, but in some cases they are a way to understand myself. This book greatly let me down, because it seemed to imply that what Hannah did was “okay”. I’ve had people ask why I thought the book would contain any message of hope or guidance, when the blurb so clearly states that it’s about a girl blaming others for her suicide. A book’s plot doesn’t necessarily define its content. For example, The Pact by Jodi Picoult deals with a suicide pact. It by no means implies that suicide is an acceptable option.

Yet, I still watched the entire season. I was hoping that the aspects of the book that I did like (particularly certain characters I was interested to know more about) would be fleshed out and that they would change things to make it have the message that I had hoped the book did.

Reasons Why I Loved It –

 

  • There is a great cast in this film. If nothing else, even if you hate all of the content, the cast was perfect. Even the scenes I absolutely detested and wished they didn’t air were all done so realistically. At least from a film/artistic perspective, I can appreciate that. Tony is by far my favorite character. I really wouldn’t mind a show about him (non-suicide related, of course).
  • People are talking about it. It’s opening up the discussion for mental health, and that’s a wonderful thing. Parents are talking to their kids, teachers discussing it in classrooms, and friends who struggle with these issues and may find the show triggering are watching it with relatives and close friends (which by the way, if you are triggered by these things and still choose to watch 13 Reasons Why, this is a really great idea!). Of course, it’s also painting a terrible picture of those who may be suicidal or have attempted suicide.
  • Without any spoilers for those who have not watched the TV show in its entirety and still plan to – they did flesh out a lot of Hannah’s “reasons” and made at least some of them a bit more, for lack of a better word, severe. If you’ve already watched the show or don’t mind spoilers, here is a great list by Vulture of the differences between the book and TV series.
  • They showed how Hannah’s choice affected others. I feel like this is an important message to those of us who do struggle with suicidal ideation, depression, etc. Despite how alone we may feel, there are people that care. As I was watching the show there were times I wanted to yell at Hannah – “Just look! Can’t you see they care about you? Can’t you see there’s hope!” —  but then again, I know just how difficult it is to see that.
  • While I by no means support the idea of blaming others for one’s suicide, I do think it’s important that one can see that actions do have an impact on others. (A better film for this is Cyberbully, which is currently also on Netflix). I don’t believe Hannah should blame others for her mental health, but she is human. We are not perfect. Especially if she is struggling with a mental health condition, these actions may affect her differently than someone more stable. I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, which means I am super reactive to the smallest things. I think its important for media to show that people with mental health conditions react differently. We feel differently.

 

Reasons Why I Hate It

  • If it’s not obvious by yet, I HATE the idea of blaming others. I hate how she hurts Clay, and everyone else who listened to the tapes. Of course, as an avid reader, I understand that I can totally hate one character and still love everything else. But this is a very sensitive, very real topic. (In case you’re wondering, here’s some statistics.)
  • Just like the book, there is still a glorifying tone to the TV show. Suicide should NEVER be glorified. I get it – for those who aren’t suicidal or aren’t triggered by such things (or even angered in the cases of those who don’t understand it at all), there can appear to be tragic type of beauty to it. That’s not true. It’s dark and painful. Empty and lonely. There is no beauty in it.
  • The rape scenes. So as not to spoil anything too much, these scenes were far too graphic. Given the subject matter and the type of audience likely to view the show, it’s too much. I understand wanting to depict the reality of rape, but they crossed a line. I appreciate trying to bring the reality of such a painful moment to life so as to perhaps make a point in a society where rape culture is such a huge, unfortunate aspect … but this was simply not the way.
  • The suicide scene was basically a how-to-guide. There is a “right” way to do the method Hannah chose in the film. While this can be figured out by a simple Google search, it’s literally giving a potentially triggered viewer a detailed guide of how to end their life successfully. I can appreciate the loneliness they depicted in that moment, and I think the actress portrayed it well … but like with the rape scene, it was too much. It crossed a line.

 

This TV show had such an opportunity to tackle this topic in a way that would be more graceful than the book. They could have still showed Hannah blaming others  – but then they could have handled it in a way that would have educated viewers on mental health and how it can affect one’s thought process, and how one can seek help to change that. They could have showed that while Hannah may have felt others were at fault, and she may have been feeling very much like a victim – that she still could have taken control of her life. There was still hope. Just as importantly, they could have showed that those people didn’t need to blame themselves. Their terrible actions didn’t kill Hannah. She did. (I’m not talking about the featurette, which did nothing to fix the implications of the TV show). They could have shot the rape and suicide scenes differently. The entire show could have had a very different tone. It’s as if the very message the creator’s claim to have been trying to send out – one of awareness, understanding, and so forth – is quite the opposite of the message they sent.

For those who are thinking of watching the show and may be triggered by its contents, I highly urge you not to. If you still seek to watch the television show, please watch it with a trusted friend or family member. Pause it. Discuss it. And if it is triggering, stop it.

As always, remember there is hope. There are resources, even if its really scary (trust me, I know) to reach out. Below are two really great hotlines:

http://www.crisistextline.org/ (Crisis Text Line)

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org (Suicide Prevention Hotline)