The holidays have never come easy for me. In fact, I often find myself hospitalized during this time of year due to suicidal ideations. The holidays are a reminder of what I do not have – I don’t have a husband, kids, or a close-knit family. This year I knew would be even more difficult, because it is the “year of firsts”. On August 10, 2019, my mother passed away due to a brain aneurysm. Despite the grief, I’ve decided to find joy in the holidays. My therapist suggested I create traditions – things to look forward to – this winter and the upcoming holidays. I also wanted to challenge myself to be grateful, even if it feels as if I’ve lost everything.
I’m not saying I’m grieving “well” by any means. I sleep most of the day still. I have to take a pill called Prazosin for my nightmares and PTSD episodes as a result of witnessing my mother’s death. As I write this, tears of begging to be set free. I am still very much a mess. But I’m trying, and I hope that maybe this perspective will help others who struggle during this time of year.
Creating New Traditions
I thought my therapist was off his rocker when he suggested I create traditions – things I can do alone to enjoy the season. Why would I even want to enjoy the season? How could I? It felt like a betrayal to my mother, but I know she wouldn’t want me miserable. In fact, she’d hate how much pain I am in. She would want me to find those happy moments.
I’ve found little things to enjoy. Marvel movie marathons – I’m trying to watch all the movies in chronological order! I’ll be reading Tisha this December, the perfect winter book. I’ll make myself duck for Christmas, and I’ll be doing a Christmas photoshoot with my bearded dragon. Some of the things sound silly, but they bring me joy and they give me something to look forward to. There were other things I wanted to do – make my mom’s stuffing, knitting, and other crafts, but depression robs me of my time far more than I’d like to admit.
Finding Gratitude for the Small Things
I was invited to a friend’s for Thanksgiving dinner, and I almost canceled. Why be surrounded by a happy family when I don’t have that? I forced myself to go, though, and decided instead of looking at it in a negative light to be grateful – grateful that I have friends that care enough to make sure I’m not alone during the holidays. I’m grateful for candles, this beautiful soap from Bath & Body, my blankets, the comfort of my bed, Sodalicious, and any small thing that brings me even a sliver of peace, comfort, or happiness.
I once worked a job that during training we each had to list 3 things we were grateful for that day. We started off listing big things, but as time went on and we didn’t want to repeat ourselves, we listed smaller things – caffeine, specific songs, and leggings.
Being Gentle with Myself
I can’t tell you how many doctors and therapists have told me to be gentle with myself these last few months. It’s to the point where I’d probably scream if I heard it again, but as annoying as it may be, it’s true. Being gentle with yourself, whether with trauma, mental illness, grief, or any other struggle you may have … it makes everything so much easier. There are days where I struggle to work, clean, get out of bed. The more I’ve been gentle with myself over these things, the easier it is to get out of bed and put in a day’s work. I have very little expectations for myself at this time, and because of that, I’ve been able to accomplish more than I would have if I set even realistic expectations for myself. Because after all – what’s realistic with grief? Depression? Nothing.
This may sound absolutely stupid and it may not help anyone, but I urge you to find what helps you.
I’ll be making a video next week where I discuss C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed and my raw, honest experience with this, how grief and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) affect me, and my struggles with faith.
Serendipity Minds 