exmormon, Religion

Mormons responding to Under the Banner of Heaven with gaslighting (of course)

Months before its release, the Mormon and ex-Mormon community were abuzz with the upcoming release of Hulu’s adaptation of “Under the Banner of Heaven”. I am in Utah and the Mormon community still surrounds me, so inevitably those discussing this docu-drama were and are all over my social feeds. I expected the usual comments when anything is released that doesn’t paint the Mormon Church in perfect light — people who were worried that it would influence investigators or lead people to think this is an example of what the Church is. I didn’t expect to read what I read on the Deseret News before the series even premiered. The article in question can be found here:  Under the Banner of Heaven on FX is bad for Latter-day Saints. Here’s why – Deseret News 

I wanted to write about this sooner, but between my health problems and other life struggles, it felt impossible to muster up the energy to discuss this topic in the way I wanted. After all, this is the Church that has caused a great deal of trauma in my life. Now, before you chime in saying, “but Sara, it’s the people, not the Church. People are imperfect but Church and its gospel are perfect”, save your breath. Gaslighting is not welcome here, okay? Even if you don’t see it now, even if you believe that phrase as much as you believe the gospel of Christ, even if you’re ignorantly repeating this quote that’s been fed to you you’re entire time in the Church — and for most of us converts, long before our baptism — those words are invalidating and gaslighting victims of abuse in the Church. I can write an entire blog about this — fuck, an entire novel even — but that is for another time. 

Anyway, back to the article: Under the Banner of Heaven on FX is bad for Latter-day Saints. Here’s why – Deseret News  Here’s the thing, that title was catchy and at first I thought it was going to dive into something a bit more groundbreaking, less judgemental. Perhaps how it is impacting those who were involved in this heartbreaking situation. I can’t even imagine working through that trauma and trying to live your life but seeing your life being made into a highly anticipated TV show. I know I felt broken listening to a podcast discussing my friend, Krystie Stuart, and her disappearance. As much as I wanted more and more people to talk about it, it felt strange reading strangers chime in with their opinions. But, I digress. This article did nothing of what I hoped it might. In fact, it went the complete opposite direction. 

So here is my response:

It’s hard not to grow bitter with members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints, aka the Mormon church, but it’s not for the reasons you think. 

During my time in the Mormon church, I learned that most of the Mormons I encountered love pointing out fallacies – especially when people would question policies, disagree with doctrine, or even ex-members who would call out the trauma the Church can cause. They are quick to point out generalizations while making their own assumption that ex-Mormons apply their perspective to all Mormons or members of the Church. It is so much like the self-righteous man who thinks he is doing the world a service by commenting on a woman’s story of sexual assault or even just a story-time of a bad but laughable tinder date – “NOT ALL MEN!” Yes, we know, Kevin. But goddamn if it isn’t the majority. We know it’s not all Mormons. It’s not all evangelicals. It’s not all Christians. But I would argue that in the case of high-demand religions such as Mormonism or Jehovah’s Witnesses, it is a significant amount. I can’ tell you how many comments I receive, both online and in my everyday life — shout out to my Uber driver for telling me “the Church is perfect but the people are not” on my way home from the ER after explaining why I didn’t want a patriarchal blessing (he offered) as I am no longer Mormon and then answering why I am no longer Mormon — and I guess I understand. I understand that it’s easier to tuck away anything uncomfortable, to chalk it up as an angry member who wasn’t really “in it” to begin with, someone that the Adversary has led astray. Because calling out language that generalizes or any other “fallacy” makes us feel superior and safe from the threat of questioning the foundations of our religion. If instead, we empathized with the hurt and the pain these institutions and their members are causing, we are forced to leave the comfort of our bubble. 

As you read the article you’ll notice the similar mocking tone that we heard from Elder Ballard, as they cite statistics showing just how safe and economically thriving Utah is, implying that somehow the producer of Under the Banner of Heaven’s depiction of this particular set of Mormons is completely invalid because 1) Black has been outspoken against the Church’s policies against marriage equality 2) This depiction of a specific set of Mormons from a horrible even in the past does not adequately represent the Church and its members today 

Um, sir, this is a true-crime docu-drama. This is not about you or members of the Church today. The mere fact that instead of empathizing with the horrific events that occurred you can only see how this doesn’t represent YOU and YOUR beliefs and YOUR experience in the Church is a reflection on your lack of emotional intelligence, critical thinking, and to be frank — your ability to be Christ-like. Of course, we’re not ready for that conversation now, are we?

And because this article glossed over some very real and disturbing statistics in Utah:

https://ibis.health.utah.gov/ibisph-view/indicator/complete_profile/Rape.html#:~:text=According%20to%20Federal%20Bureau%20of,to%2042.6%20per%20100%2C000%20adults. [According to Federal Bureau of Investigation, the rape rate in Utah has been consistently higher than the U.S. rate. In 2019, the reported rape rate in Utah was significantly higher than the U.S. rate at 56.8 per 100,000 adults, compared to 42.6 per 100,000 adults.]

https://ibis.health.utah.gov/ibisph-view/indicator/complete_profile/SuicDth.html#:~:text=From%202018%20to%202020%2C%20the,to%2017%20and%2018%2D24. [From 2018 to 2020, the age-adjusted suicide rate in Utah was 21.4 per 100,000 persons, with an average of 657 suicides per year. Utah had the 6th highest age-adjusted suicide rate in the U.S. in 2019. In 2020, suicide was the leading cause of death for Utahns ages 10 to 17 and 18-24. It is the second leading cause of death for ages 25 to 44 and the fifth leading cause of death for ages 45-64. Overall, suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for Utahns (age-adjusted rate).]

Religion

An Open Letter to Dr. Brad Wilcox

Dear Brad Wilcox, 

(and the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who agree with the words he shared during his fireside)

I don’t anticipate you or those whose beliefs align harmoniously with yours to understand the grief and pain that comes with leaving the Church. I don’t expect those immersed in the faith to understand that this grief and pain is not a lack of the “Holy Ghost” or because of “turning our back on God”. I wish more than anything that we could all just take a step back from the judgment and assumptions as to why people leave the Church —- or even why people stay.

Before even being baptized, a phrase the missionaries repeated almost every time we met, “the Church is perfect but the people are not.” And so, when I was deeply hurt and abused by members within the Church, I repeated this like a mantra. When people questioned me if I ever even felt the Spirit because I was hesitant and scared to go through the temple and receive my endowments, I disconnected myself and replied calmly through my tears that yes, I have felt the spirit. “Are you sure?” a sister in my ward asked. “Why did you join the Church? Did you feel the Spirit before joining? You know, some women only join because they thought the missionaries teaching them were cute.” I can grasp that there are things that are sacred to Mormonism and other religions in the world, but I didn’t feel safe or comfortable when I wasn’t allowed to know what was going to happen until it happened. 

When I came out as bisexual, people who didn’t even bother to speak to me for years – even when I reached out, even when I experienced loss upon loss, and needed a friend … they suddenly had the “Spirit” tell them to reach out to me and let me know that “it’s okay if you are gay, but you can’t act on it”. Essential strangers telling me what I can and cannot do with my body. Strangers who I knew were guilty of ignoring a sister in the Church’s pleas to “stop”. Strangers who despite their sexual “transgressions” (or as I and the rest of the world calls it, rape) and their Bishop knew of these events, were still able to pass the sacrament and go to the temple because they were worthy. I’ve not had sex or kissed anyone in well over five years, I stopped drinking coffee, tea and alcohol, I tithed when I had no money to tithe, I attended Church even though the toxic environment made me so very suicidal – but I was never once worthy to go to the temple. I gave my entire life and sacrificed so much of myself to this Church, but it was never enough, at least not in my realm of the Bishop Roulette game. 

Why you ask? Because I, a female, engaged in masturbation (or as my bishops and LDS therapist said, ‘acted out sexually’) once every three months or so, without the use of porn or toys, etc. I had Bishops ask me gross questions about this. I had LDS therapists ignore my pleas to focus on my self-harm and mental health issues but instead they told me I was a sex addict and I was giving myself brain damage by touching myself, but boy did he seem to want to know all of the details and get off hearing it. I stopped going to therapy until I could afford a non-LDS therapist. I now have tattoos covering my self-harm scars from that time, I am no longer ashamed of my sexuality and have reclaimed that part of me in a way that the Church continues to condemn. 

When I say it hurts to leave the Church, it’s not because I’ve lost everything … it’s because people think that. It’s because people now think I am on my way to perdition when I die. I didn’t leave to go “sin” – I left much for the same reasons I’ve left any toxic and abusive situations … so I could be safe because no matter how calmly I expressed myself, asked questions, or tried so desperately to understand the racism and sexism in the Church, I was belittled. My voice didn’t matter, because yours and those like you were so much louder. Just as I have grieved the loss of my abusers by walking away from them and leaving them, I grieve the loss of the Church that spoke a “continuous atonement” and infinite love wrapped up in words that also told me I was not invited or welcomed in the house of the Lord. It took a long time to realize, I don’t want to be there. I am not bitter. I just love myself and who I am meant to be far more than I was ever allowed to. Not even God himself is allowed to hurt me, disrespect me, abuse me … because if that’s God, then as I’ve always said, I don’t want it.

I haven’t lost everything, Brad Wilcox. Joining the Church – that was when I lost so much of who I am.

I’ve gained everything by leaving. But simply by saying this, by sharing this … I’ll just be viewed as one of those bitter people declaring their resignation on social media. 

I do invite any who read this to listen to Bigger Man by Jay Oladokun & Marrin Morris, read the CES letter, research the BITE Model, research history both from Church sources and Non-Church sources (and no I don’t mean just go to FAIRLDS) and instead of conditioning your brain to tell you IF something is true, ask an open-ended such as “what is true”. Find your truth, even if that truth is the Mormon Church – but understand that I have already made my choice, even if the legal process is a bitch and my “name” is still there. To the Church, please consider this your invite to finally respond to my requests and remove me. I am more than happy to enter perdition. It’s okay. As Kesha said, “‘cause if there’s a Heaven, don’t care if we get in.”

Perhaps the reason we speak so “loudly” as ex-mormons, isn’t because we can’t leave the Church alone… it’s because they refuse to leave us alone. They think their point is more valid than ours because they are louder and holier. If I could simply leave in peace, if I didn’t have to watch my friends cry when their parents disown them for being gay or telling them that they are no longer going to be with them forever, if I didn’t have a toxic roommate tell me every chance she got that I wasn’t ever going to see my mom again but she was gonna see her dad forever in the Celestial Kingdom because she chooses to stay in the church and not “act out on same-sex attraction”, if I wasn’t walking away broken from years of trauma, then maybe I could do so quietly. Of course, any other churches I’ve stopped attending, I wasn’t so thoroughly traumatized by … and, I was able to leave without jumping through hoops to get my records removed so I can be left alone.

The Message version of the Bible (I know, I know…. The devil’s book – after all its writer came out supporting gay marriage now…) he translates a scripture you quoted in a way that has always resonated so deeply with my spirit. 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” –

Matthew 11:28-30

And I did “watch” Jesus in all those years of studying the New Testament long before I even thought of accepting an invitation to speak with the missionaries. I am brave enough to admit that I don’t know, but what I do now and I have said time and time again in my life – I know Love. I love the Jesus that I knew long before religion corrupted my view of him – whether or not he exists. And my Jesus, the one I was taught knows me so well – he knows why I walked away. He knows why I am okay with saying I do not have all of the answers – or any of the answers. My Jesus isn’t going to separate families if they leave the Church or aren’t worthy enough for the celestial kingdom.

One of my best friends and I, we talk a great deal about what that day will be like when we do die and how we imagine our pets and loved ones there to greet us, and Jesus wrapping us in the most healing hug ever and saying, “Wow, what hell even was that? That was so HARD – but you did it! What you went through? That wasn’t me. That was never me. And I am so sorry that the world made you believe it was – even just for a moment. You never deserved any of this. You were always worthy, always loved, you were always more than enough.”

I want to speak with grace and love while writing this letter, but I am human and I am hurting and so I know there will be moments when my anger is clear and sharp. But after listening to that fireside – my threat appraisal with members of the Church and everything related to it is a bit high. 

Faithfully,

An ex-Mormon who is hurting and confused by the teachings of the Church and the words spoken at this fireside

View Dr. Brad Wilcox’s fireside HERE! Don’t forget to also take a peek at my TikTok where I share my spiritual journey as an ex-Mormon, reptile content, #booktok vibes, and so much more.

Book Reviews

On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel by Brenda Marie Davies

Before I dive into how absolutely amazing this book is, I want to give a heads up that this review will be a bit different than my other book reviews. As someone in the process of leaving a high-demand religion and dealing with the damage of purity culture, this book hit close to home. In fact, that’s exactly why I chose to read it. I started following Brenda’s YouTube channel last year, around the same time I discovered Jaclyn Glenn. Both Jaclyn and Brenda’s videos have been healing for me as I deconstruct and grieve the loss of “God” or as Brenda calls this specific ‘god’, Purity God.

Don’t let the memoir, deconstructing faith aspect fool you, though. This isn’t simply a recollection of thoughts and experiences. Brenda has woven these pieces of her life into a book that feels magical. So much so, I kept thinking that it had a Weetzie Bat vibe to it. I felt like I was in Los Angeles, the magical and scary and unpredictable L.A. – you know the Shangri-L.A. kind? A coming-of-age and discovering the truth behind the curtain and how important it is to love ourselves and how precious we are.

I admire that throughout each chapter, even when Brenda details the ickier things she experienced, specifically in regard to religion, she does so in a way that is so accepting and understanding. I don’t believe in fighting fire with fire, and I know as former members of a high demand religion, we know exactly where these people are coming from. We were them. But it hurts so much and when we leave and deconstruct, it’s hard not to become bitter.

I related to Brenda’s “origin story” of entering the realms of Evangelicalism. While I was raised Christian, it wasn’t ever anything overwhelmingly controlling. I was never told I looked immodest or that sex is wrong. I wore short-short plaid skirts, sheer tops, watched rated R movies, dated older men, you name it. But somehow, I became deeply involved and seeking truth. I realize now that some of my “obsession” with finding the truth, particularly in regard to the apocalypse, was the beginnings of me developing religious OCD. I remember reading the Left Behind series, which I still love and enjoy, but I got so consumed. I’d read and re-read the book of Revelations. I studied with all sorts of denominations, including the Jehovah’s Witnesses for several years before meeting with Mormon missionaries and being baptized into the LDS Church. All the while, I thought every health problem, every bad thing I experienced, was because God had punished me for not being pure. I wasn’t pushed into a high demand religion by my family. I chose it myself. When trying to connect with ex-Mormons, it was hard to find anyone to relate to. They were raised into it, most of them. I was raised to love God but also to question him, to question everything… until the Church told me not to.

And I listened, as much as I could, but my soul had to stop because if God is Love then Purity God and Love couldn’t be one in the same. Brenda’s videos on her YouTube channel, GodIsGrey and her book was the validation I needed as I started the deconstructing process.

God, love, the Church, and life is messy. It is not simple. It is complicated. And it is most certainly not black and white – and that is okay. With that I think it’s safe to conclude how I feel about this book – 10 out of freaking 10 I recommend. No matter what you believe or don’t believe, this book gives so much insight to purity culture, high demand religions, trauma, abuse, and the list goes on. But it also provides hope and encouragement. So often we see these deconstructing books or videos from those who are 100% done with God/Jesus/etc. Which, I completely validate – but for those of us still somewhere in the middle, it’s validating to hear that that’s okay.

Oh, and as of writing this – the book is $5 for both Hardcover & Kindle. So, grab your copy & let me know what you think!

Personal Stories, Unsent Letters

An Open Letter to the ER Doctor

To the doctor who saw me at the ER last night, My breasts are not inherently sexual.

Examining the staph infection that has taken over 1/4 of my breasts – not to mention to all of sores the sores that keep getting worse and are not responding to antibiotics over – is not sexual.

But your religion taught you that my body as a female is sexual and dirty and wrong.

Because of this, you a freaking medical doctor working in an emergency room, refused to examine it my staph infection. Instead you asked me if I had a picture. Thankfully I did actually have a picture.I had taken one that I sent over to my friend and sister to show how bad it’s been getting. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t overreacting, since every single health issue I have has been diminished and neglected by the majority of the doctors I’ve seen. I didn’t want to waste my time going – but everyone said I should.

I’m used to going to do doctors while having seizures, numbness, drooping face, and a plethora of other symptoms. And I’m used to them brushing it off or telling me which specialist to go to next. I’m not used to being sexualized. By. A. Doctor.

You looked at the picture left the room without a word. I waited and waited, feeling ashamed and stupid for even bothering to come in. I would’ve gone to urgent care instead, but they don’t accept my insurance. I would’ve waited for the doctor, but it was the weekend and this was just getting worse. I almost got up and left.

While I dealt with my own crisis, debating whether to just give up and leave, I can only assume you were having a moral crisis given the size of the infection whether you should look at my breast or not. I’m sure you saw the results of my biopsy from my last visit that this is indeed a staph infection and it’s not responding to treatment.

Finally, you came back and examined it. After squeezing when there is clearly no puss and pushing and pinching it in every which way, while I writhed in pain, you said

“It’s not that bad.”

I am aware that is not as bad as an infection can be. But the fact that its spreading, I was running a low-grade fever, and everything else going on with my body – I am trying to get someone to listen before it does get “that bad”.

I am positive if you had this size of a wound on your penis or testicles, you would be bed ridden, demanding treatment immediately. There have been so many studies done on how doctors (even female doctors) do not take female patients seriously. A man can go in with the same demeanor, presenting the same symptoms, and he will get tests, treatment, and referrals more often than women who have the same symptoms or diagnosis.

Maybe if this infection was on my arm, the doctor would have felt the need to treat it.

Maybe if my psych stays weren’t in my medical record.

Maybe if I fit the Mormon image and didn’t have tattoos and piercings and colored hair.

Maybe if I wasn’t obese – because fat people choose to be fat and they choose to be sick because all of their problems are related to their weight, right?

Maybe if I fit whatever your ideal is of a sick patient who deserves treatment… maybe this infection would already be gone.

PS. To you and all the other doctors who are quick to tell me I don’t have cancer and don’t need a mammogram because its all surface lesions, please kindly go back to medical school and study inflammatory breast cancer, skin cancer, and cancer in hormonal glands. While I am mostly positive that this is simply a Lupus/Scleroderma/MS flare and it’s causing all of my body’s issues – whatever the cause, I deserve proper treatment.

Thanks…. but not really,

S.

Mental Health, Personal Stories

Where the Heck Have I Been? Life Update!

2020 was a horrific year for all of us. And 2021 has been kind of a mess, too! At the end of 2020 I was basically shipped off by the Church to go live with my family in California. My health got progressively worse and the doctors in that small desert town weren’t able to help. Not only that but being in said small town left me with very few options for work. In fact, it was impossible to even get an interview. By what can only be described as a miracle I made it back to Utah alive.

The trip back to Utah was frightening to say the least! Stay tuned for my vlog update in which I detail how a Mormon con-woman picked me up in Barstow, California and started smoking something that was DEFINITELY NOT weed or cigarettes on the way there. Oh, and we almost got hit a few times!

For now, I want to write about all the positive things that have happened.

I got to know my niece and nephew better! Peyton is such a beautiful almost-teenager and so fun to hang out with. Christian is your typical teenage boy, screaming at his video games and gamer friends. 😅 I also got to meet some pretty cool animals. Sassy, Midnight, and Vamperina – the cutest doggie and kitties ever!

I also got to meet some pretty cool animals. Sassy, Midnight, and Vamperina – the cutest doggie and kitties ever!

I also started the journey of loving myself no matter what size I am. I learning my worth and never again will I say cruel things to myself. I have so much divine worth. (And so do you!) But more on that later!

I’ve been back for a few months now. In these few months, while my health struggles are still present, things have been looking up. I have a place to live, an absolutely amazing job, and I am slowly but surely getting set up with the specialists I need to treat my autoimmune diseases and epilepsy. This isn’t to exude toxic positivity because the hell I’ve suffered and at times continue to suffer through is still very real, valid, and it deserves to be acknowledged. And it has been – in conversations with my friends, co-workers, and Love (aka God/Jesus cause I’m going through a faith crisis 😅)

Soon I will post some insane story times – in the meantime be sure to give my TikTok account a follow @ weetziewishes, check out my YouTube channel, and be sure to support on Patreon for exclusive access to unpublished works, early access to books, shout outs, and more! All of which can be found here https://linktr.ee/janexrochester