Before I dive into how absolutely amazing this book is, I want to give a heads up that this review will be a bit different than my other book reviews. As someone in the process of leaving a high-demand religion and dealing with the damage of purity culture, this book hit close to home. In fact, that’s exactly why I chose to read it. I started following Brenda’s YouTube channel last year, around the same time I discovered Jaclyn Glenn. Both Jaclyn and Brenda’s videos have been healing for me as I deconstruct and grieve the loss of “God” or as Brenda calls this specific ‘god’, Purity God.
Don’t let the memoir, deconstructing faith aspect fool you, though. This isn’t simply a recollection of thoughts and experiences. Brenda has woven these pieces of her life into a book that feels magical. So much so, I kept thinking that it had a Weetzie Bat vibe to it. I felt like I was in Los Angeles, the magical and scary and unpredictable L.A. – you know the Shangri-L.A. kind? A coming-of-age and discovering the truth behind the curtain and how important it is to love ourselves and how precious we are.
I admire that throughout each chapter, even when Brenda details the ickier things she experienced, specifically in regard to religion, she does so in a way that is so accepting and understanding. I don’t believe in fighting fire with fire, and I know as former members of a high demand religion, we know exactly where these people are coming from. We were them. But it hurts so much and when we leave and deconstruct, it’s hard not to become bitter.
I related to Brenda’s “origin story” of entering the realms of Evangelicalism. While I was raised Christian, it wasn’t ever anything overwhelmingly controlling. I was never told I looked immodest or that sex is wrong. I wore short-short plaid skirts, sheer tops, watched rated R movies, dated older men, you name it. But somehow, I became deeply involved and seeking truth. I realize now that some of my “obsession” with finding the truth, particularly in regard to the apocalypse, was the beginnings of me developing religious OCD. I remember reading the Left Behind series, which I still love and enjoy, but I got so consumed. I’d read and re-read the book of Revelations. I studied with all sorts of denominations, including the Jehovah’s Witnesses for several years before meeting with Mormon missionaries and being baptized into the LDS Church. All the while, I thought every health problem, every bad thing I experienced, was because God had punished me for not being pure. I wasn’t pushed into a high demand religion by my family. I chose it myself. When trying to connect with ex-Mormons, it was hard to find anyone to relate to. They were raised into it, most of them. I was raised to love God but also to question him, to question everything… until the Church told me not to.
And I listened, as much as I could, but my soul had to stop because if God is Love then Purity God and Love couldn’t be one in the same. Brenda’s videos on her YouTube channel, GodIsGrey and her book was the validation I needed as I started the deconstructing process.
God, love, the Church, and life is messy. It is not simple. It is complicated. And it is most certainly not black and white – and that is okay. With that I think it’s safe to conclude how I feel about this book – 10 out of freaking 10 I recommend. No matter what you believe or don’t believe, this book gives so much insight to purity culture, high demand religions, trauma, abuse, and the list goes on. But it also provides hope and encouragement. So often we see these deconstructing books or videos from those who are 100% done with God/Jesus/etc. Which, I completely validate – but for those of us still somewhere in the middle, it’s validating to hear that that’s okay.
Oh, and as of writing this – the book is $5 for both Hardcover & Kindle. So, grab your copy & let me know what you think!
Serendipity Minds 