Category: Poetry

Before I share this poem with y’all, I wanna share a little bit about my what is happening in Utah and the Mormon community and how it is affecting the LGBTQIA+ community.

Mormonism is a pretty intense religion. Think evangelical or Jehovah’s Witness intense. So when our prophet or the apostles say something to its members, it’s a pretty big deal. One of the apostles recently spoke at Brigham Young University. (Here’s a link to his talk word-for-word, so you can read it and make up your own opinion. This is on the Church’s official website. I’m not trying to cherry pick his words, but I am human, and this was my favorite apostle – even since leaving the Church, I loved Elder Holland… and well, I’m hurting because of his words. So yes, I will be paying more attention to the ones that have caused so much pain.)

Basically, Elder Holland – an apostle who has brought so much comfort as I struggled with my mental health – spoke to faculty and staff at BYU declaring that the school cannot condone homosexual behavior and that members should not confuse love with support. You know, the whole hate the sin but love the sinner argument? He even went so far as to call out a BYU graduate and former valedictorian who “came out” during his graduation speech – a speech that was approved well in advance. A speech that I am sure has helped countless LGBTQ+ students at this Mormon university. But none of seemed to matter, as Holland said this student was commandeering the school and its graduation ceremony. An apostle of God publicly shamed a student who had gone through the proper BYU and Church channels to get his speech approved.

It doesn’t stop there. Just a week or two after a lesbian couple was murdered on their honeymoon in Utah, this so-called apostle a God who is defined as “Love” encouraged members to take up (metaphorical) musketfire against the LGBTQ+ community. It feels so much like all of my heroes have become the villain. So many are grieving because of these painful words. And though I am sure he meant well, I am sure he didn’t want to cause harm, I am sure he believes this is the way to show love… that it’s how God would show love … sometimes there is nothing more harmful than a person who means well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEc6LCbWT3A&t=3s

And while there has been such a huge outpouring of love, there has also been an increase in hate. My neighbors have pride signs proudly displaying from what I am sure is BYU-contracted housing. People created beautiful chalk art supporting LGBTQ+ students at the school, but then people like those in the video above did what they likely thought was that metaphorical musketfire Elder Holland mentioned.

Just the other day, as I was decked out in pride-themed makeup and clothing, I had two men in a car follow me, slowly, revving their engine while I was walking. This isn’t common behavior in Provo. I had several Lyft drivers look at me in disgust upon seeing my pride attire I’ve been adamant about wearing these days. Things are tense. People are hurting. My friends are hurting. I am hurting.

And with that, I leave you my poem:

I know what it is like 

To be so in love with Jesus and being born again

His Spirit all around me as I sit on my friend’s front porch

Butterfly clips sparking in the sun like Christ’s pure love

I know what it is like 

To feel the wrath of God crushing my heart

As I open the pages of forbidden scripture

My own Song of Solomon, a piece that didn’t belong

I know what it is like

To sit in a closet crying with a pink-covered book about kids with cancer

The doctors told my mom that I have a growth in my brain

And verily, verily I say unto me – God is punishing us for what we’ve done 

I know what it is like

To have a crush on a girl that works at the local small town diner

She said my Hot Topic earrings were cute and I thought about her for weeks

But the religious books say its just a phrase, my hormones are confused, I am confused

I know what it is like

As my sweet friend Mary Jo tells me that she thinks shes gay, my heart stopping

And even though I thought I was gay too, I was so scared for her salvation

I prayed and said words I thought were inspired 

 “I love you no matter what, but I can’t hear about that.” 

I know what it is like

To be bullied by the girls at youth group being called “gay, a dyke, a les”

Before I even acknowledged these pieces to myself

I was condemned and sent straight to a self-loathing hell

I know what it is like

The internalized homophobia turning me into the monsters I hated

“I’m not gay! I like dick!” As people continued to label me when I was confused

So much justifying and hatred in the name of love, because even when I said gay isn’t a sin

Even when I said I accept you, I know Christ would let you in – I refused to see myself 

I know what it is like

To be on each and every side of this so-called argument that infringes upon human rights

But I never claimed to speak for God. I didn’t hold the power that this man does

Words. And the word is God. Word is God. God is Love.

Shouldn’t your words be love? Apostle, sir, can you tell me how metaphorical gunfire is love?

I know what it is like

To see my friends share stories with tear-filled eyes and stories of suicide 

In less than 48 hours these words have indeed shot so many in the heart

But I will walk in rainbows and declare safety here because I am not ashamed of me

I am ashamed of you. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, 

Amen.