It’s not your fault. These words were so loud as I was doing a mediumship read for a client today. I don’t usually do mediumship reads on my livestreams, but today I did. I didn’t speak the words even though they were loud because it was such a cliché thing that those readers say. You know, the ones who would lose their shit if they tapped into anything real. Psychologically speaking, people will blame themselves for the deaths of their loved ones. It doesn’t matter if it’s caused by an accident, sudden medical event, cancer—you name it, we as humans will find a way to carry that weight. I was so scared of sounding like a predatory reader, preying upon strangers with the psychology of grief. So, I bit back the words and continued channeling.
This reading was challenging me and all of my rules. I avoid heavy topics—anything that sounds like fear-mongering, but the message was clear. This girl’s grandpa wanted her to know it is okay to walk away from someone in the family who is stealing and causing a lot of harm. She immediately recognized this as her mother, who has been stealing from everyone in the family. She then told me to tell her grandpa she is sorry—because her mother, the one he was warning her about, had told her that his death was her fault. My heart shattered. Of course, he wanted to tell her it’s not your fault. Of course, that was the first message to come through. And I didn’t listen.
Hours later, I was having a conversation with someone where I’m living, and she told me about the death of her parents and how she blames herself for each one. We have very similar experiences, so I told her about my mom, her brain death, and having to say those awful words aloud. I told her how I would have nightmares that I made a mistake and she was actually alive, and that I killed her. I omit offering the details of how I had an awful thought the morning before my mom passed, “she’ll be dead soon”. I had chalked it up to OCD in the moment, even though the message didn’t come with fear, just a gentle knowing. I don’t tell her how I know I caused my mom so much stress in the weeks leading up to her death, that it could’ve easily triggered her brain aneurysm.
Long before my mom died, a boy once told me that the apocalypse prophesied in the Bible could be happening, and I would still find a way to blame myself. I’m really good at that.
Tonight, I held the stories of strangers who, of course, were not in any way to blame for their loved one’s death. I offered reassurance to one. I offered understanding to another. The latter was telling me her father’s birthdate, and I nearly choked. August 10th. The same as my mother’s death date.
Spirit speaks in patterns and synchronicities. Oftentimes, I feel as if I learn more reading for the collective than I do reading myself. I have such a hard time reading myself. I can tap into others lost loved ones, but I can’t hear my mom with that same clarity. It pisses me off, but it is what it is. I can’t hear my mom tell me it’s not my fault. But I can hear others, and I think this is a message I needed. A weight I’ve carried for a long time now. And hey, there’s a New Moon in Scorpio tomorrow… It’s all about death and rebirth… and Spirit knows I am deep in a rebirth hellscape these days.
What a weird life, huh?
Serendipity Minds 