Dear Brad Wilcox,
(and the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who agree with the words he shared during his fireside)
I don’t anticipate you or those whose beliefs align harmoniously with yours to understand the grief and pain that comes with leaving the Church. I don’t expect those immersed in the faith to understand that this grief and pain is not a lack of the “Holy Ghost” or because of “turning our back on God”. I wish more than anything that we could all just take a step back from the judgment and assumptions as to why people leave the Church —- or even why people stay.
Before even being baptized, a phrase the missionaries repeated almost every time we met, “the Church is perfect but the people are not.” And so, when I was deeply hurt and abused by members within the Church, I repeated this like a mantra. When people questioned me if I ever even felt the Spirit because I was hesitant and scared to go through the temple and receive my endowments, I disconnected myself and replied calmly through my tears that yes, I have felt the spirit. “Are you sure?” a sister in my ward asked. “Why did you join the Church? Did you feel the Spirit before joining? You know, some women only join because they thought the missionaries teaching them were cute.” I can grasp that there are things that are sacred to Mormonism and other religions in the world, but I didn’t feel safe or comfortable when I wasn’t allowed to know what was going to happen until it happened.
When I came out as bisexual, people who didn’t even bother to speak to me for years – even when I reached out, even when I experienced loss upon loss, and needed a friend … they suddenly had the “Spirit” tell them to reach out to me and let me know that “it’s okay if you are gay, but you can’t act on it”. Essential strangers telling me what I can and cannot do with my body. Strangers who I knew were guilty of ignoring a sister in the Church’s pleas to “stop”. Strangers who despite their sexual “transgressions” (or as I and the rest of the world calls it, rape) and their Bishop knew of these events, were still able to pass the sacrament and go to the temple because they were worthy. I’ve not had sex or kissed anyone in well over five years, I stopped drinking coffee, tea and alcohol, I tithed when I had no money to tithe, I attended Church even though the toxic environment made me so very suicidal – but I was never once worthy to go to the temple. I gave my entire life and sacrificed so much of myself to this Church, but it was never enough, at least not in my realm of the Bishop Roulette game.
Why you ask? Because I, a female, engaged in masturbation (or as my bishops and LDS therapist said, ‘acted out sexually’) once every three months or so, without the use of porn or toys, etc. I had Bishops ask me gross questions about this. I had LDS therapists ignore my pleas to focus on my self-harm and mental health issues but instead they told me I was a sex addict and I was giving myself brain damage by touching myself, but boy did he seem to want to know all of the details and get off hearing it. I stopped going to therapy until I could afford a non-LDS therapist. I now have tattoos covering my self-harm scars from that time, I am no longer ashamed of my sexuality and have reclaimed that part of me in a way that the Church continues to condemn.
When I say it hurts to leave the Church, it’s not because I’ve lost everything … it’s because people think that. It’s because people now think I am on my way to perdition when I die. I didn’t leave to go “sin” – I left much for the same reasons I’ve left any toxic and abusive situations … so I could be safe because no matter how calmly I expressed myself, asked questions, or tried so desperately to understand the racism and sexism in the Church, I was belittled. My voice didn’t matter, because yours and those like you were so much louder. Just as I have grieved the loss of my abusers by walking away from them and leaving them, I grieve the loss of the Church that spoke a “continuous atonement” and infinite love wrapped up in words that also told me I was not invited or welcomed in the house of the Lord. It took a long time to realize, I don’t want to be there. I am not bitter. I just love myself and who I am meant to be far more than I was ever allowed to. Not even God himself is allowed to hurt me, disrespect me, abuse me … because if that’s God, then as I’ve always said, I don’t want it.
I haven’t lost everything, Brad Wilcox. Joining the Church – that was when I lost so much of who I am.
I’ve gained everything by leaving. But simply by saying this, by sharing this … I’ll just be viewed as one of those bitter people declaring their resignation on social media.
I do invite any who read this to listen to Bigger Man by Jay Oladokun & Marrin Morris, read the CES letter, research the BITE Model, research history both from Church sources and Non-Church sources (and no I don’t mean just go to FAIRLDS) and instead of conditioning your brain to tell you IF something is true, ask an open-ended such as “what is true”. Find your truth, even if that truth is the Mormon Church – but understand that I have already made my choice, even if the legal process is a bitch and my “name” is still there. To the Church, please consider this your invite to finally respond to my requests and remove me. I am more than happy to enter perdition. It’s okay. As Kesha said, “‘cause if there’s a Heaven, don’t care if we get in.”
Perhaps the reason we speak so “loudly” as ex-mormons, isn’t because we can’t leave the Church alone… it’s because they refuse to leave us alone. They think their point is more valid than ours because they are louder and holier. If I could simply leave in peace, if I didn’t have to watch my friends cry when their parents disown them for being gay or telling them that they are no longer going to be with them forever, if I didn’t have a toxic roommate tell me every chance she got that I wasn’t ever going to see my mom again but she was gonna see her dad forever in the Celestial Kingdom because she chooses to stay in the church and not “act out on same-sex attraction”, if I wasn’t walking away broken from years of trauma, then maybe I could do so quietly. Of course, any other churches I’ve stopped attending, I wasn’t so thoroughly traumatized by … and, I was able to leave without jumping through hoops to get my records removed so I can be left alone.
The Message version of the Bible (I know, I know…. The devil’s book – after all its writer came out supporting gay marriage now…) he translates a scripture you quoted in a way that has always resonated so deeply with my spirit.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” –
Matthew 11:28-30
And I did “watch” Jesus in all those years of studying the New Testament long before I even thought of accepting an invitation to speak with the missionaries. I am brave enough to admit that I don’t know, but what I do now and I have said time and time again in my life – I know Love. I love the Jesus that I knew long before religion corrupted my view of him – whether or not he exists. And my Jesus, the one I was taught knows me so well – he knows why I walked away. He knows why I am okay with saying I do not have all of the answers – or any of the answers. My Jesus isn’t going to separate families if they leave the Church or aren’t worthy enough for the celestial kingdom.
One of my best friends and I, we talk a great deal about what that day will be like when we do die and how we imagine our pets and loved ones there to greet us, and Jesus wrapping us in the most healing hug ever and saying, “Wow, what hell even was that? That was so HARD – but you did it! What you went through? That wasn’t me. That was never me. And I am so sorry that the world made you believe it was – even just for a moment. You never deserved any of this. You were always worthy, always loved, you were always more than enough.”
I want to speak with grace and love while writing this letter, but I am human and I am hurting and so I know there will be moments when my anger is clear and sharp. But after listening to that fireside – my threat appraisal with members of the Church and everything related to it is a bit high.
Faithfully,
An ex-Mormon who is hurting and confused by the teachings of the Church and the words spoken at this fireside
View Dr. Brad Wilcox’s fireside HERE! Don’t forget to also take a peek at my TikTok where I share my spiritual journey as an ex-Mormon, reptile content, #booktok vibes, and so much more.
Serendipity Minds 