The other night, I had this dream that the world actually ended in 2020 and I’ve been living in this glitched simulation since. Of course, I have a deep fear and fascination with simulation theory. Pair that with the mess of 2020 and this year, it really does feel like we are living in some apocalyptic novel that is setting us up for the dystopian sequel. You know what I mean? I wonder if that is why so many people refuse to acknowledge the severity of the pandemic, because it is so scary and yet we are expected to continue on with our lives. The world can’t shut down. The same way the world doesn’t shut down for war or other ongoing tragedies. It’s much easier to pull the covers over our head and pretend the monster we see isn’t there. Pretending makes us feel safe. Even if we aren’t safe at all.
I know I am not alone in the amount of pure chaos that has happened in the last two years within my personal life as well. August 10, 2021 marked the two year anniversary since my mom passed. This will be my third Christmas without her. She passed a little before the rona took over the world, which I count as a blessing. At least I could say goodbye. At least I could be there when they took her off life support. In those first few months after the pandemic hit, I often thought of what it would be like if she was still here. What would she say about all of this? What would we do? Would we be safe?
Or would we both end up pretending that we were safe for the sake of feeling like we are? I don’t know.
Roommates, Grief, and Survival
Shortly after my mom passed, I had to find roommates so I could afford rent. That was when I met Hannah who ended up becoming one of my best friends, and who I am still so hurt and confused over. I have so many questions I want to ask but that I know even if she answered, even if she spoke the truth, I don’t know if I could trust it. I couldn’t trust her.
Kattie became our roommate shortly after. Kattie is passionate, brave, and so kind and genuine. She doesn’t see her worth, which breaks my heart and frustrates me at the same time. I just want to scream at her that she is worthy of a healthy love and a healthy family. Not because I am mad or anything at all like that. I just don’t know how to make her see this. So, Kattie, my sweet friend, if you are reading this recap blog of the last two years / my attempt to start blogging again – YOU ARE LOVED DAMMIT. YOU ARE WORHTY AF (LIKE YOUR TATTOO SAYS). And you deserve so so much better than this world has given you.
Between a toxic landlord, losing my faith,coming out as bisexual, moving suddenly to California to go live with my sister, and then getting back to Utah, tackling my physical health and mental heath, starting a new and amazing job that is the most healthy workplace I’ve ever been in, living with a toxic roommate who screamed “cat cat cat” and “bleach bleach bleach” despite the house being filled with mold, leaving the Church, taking a break from friends I love so very much because I just couldn’t handle anything anymore, moving into my own apartment with no roommates at all, losing one of my best friends and questioning her motives, to reconnecting with old friends and building new friendships. The last few two months when life started falling apart again, my friend Lex helped me through so much of it. Lex is one of the people who created a safe space for me to come out and hyped me up with a whole bi-pride photoshoot.
All the while, Christmas is almost here, and I still haven’t really learned how to process my grief. I feel like the first two years have been processing the trauma of watching my mother die. I’m just now at a point where I don’t have nightmares every night and see it happen every night… but as time passes, the more it sinks in… death is permanent (possibile afterlife beliefs aside) and she is not coming back.
Oh, and did I mention I’ve now been diagnosed with Bipolar? And possible OCD? Yeah, I’m doing greeeaaaat.
Yet somehow through all of this, through the hardest two years of my life, I’ve survived. Past Sara? Oh, she would’ve unalived herself by now. I’m not sure where the resilience came from or how I’ve managed to find an inner peace despite it all. And on the days, weeks, and even months when I didn’t have that inner peace, I coped. I survived. Honestly, I was in survival mode for such a long time it took me a while to finally disconnect from that and reconnect with that inner peace.
So, where does this leave me for 2022?
This last year has set the tone for my self-discovery. I’ve left the Mormon Church and will be completing my official resignation next year. I’ve dived back into the spiritual areas I always felt called to. I have several tarot decks, an altar, ouija board, book of shadows, and spell books. I still love Jesus, or at least what he represents. I’m not sure how I feel about the teachings in the Bible or within organized religion anymore. Of course, this path comes with its own set of grief. Saying goodbye to God isn’t easy. In fact, I would’ve much rather chosen to pretend that I “know” he’s real than let go of something that promised me safety from this cruel world.But I am choosing to be honest with myself that I don’t know what is real and what is not, but I will do what allows me to feel most connected and safe and grounded. And if the Christian God is real, then I hope they understand that I am not choosing anything out of malice or ill intent. And if God is Love, well. Love would understand. Love would know me so perfectly. Love wouldn’t be mad.
I started a TikTok (like everyone else) during those early days of lockdown. I’ve discovered how much I love making videos, and so I plan to continue that journey and embark on a YouTube channel.
I will publish a book I am currently working on. (Around February)
I will get my second and third dose of the vaccine.I will continue to wear a mask and protect others as well as myself. (Maybe this earlier like this Christmas weekend… I just need a ride.)
I will continue to take care of my health, even if some of the tests and procedures scare me.
I will continue to bring all that I can to my job.
I will go on dates when things settle with the rona. I will learn about people and find their beauty and steal pieces of them for characters in stories I will one day write. I will find the beauty in the world even if most of what I see is dark and gross and sad.
I will love fearlessly. I will fight for what is right. I will be loud. I will be brave. I will not surrender to myself or to others.
Sidenote: If you have a book, you’d like for me to review next year, please send me a message to get on my calendar!
Serendipity Minds 