I’m Not Sad

To those who think it’s just sadness – that I’m just not dealing with stress well – my thoughts and struggles are not the same as yours. This is a disease – not an emotion. You wanna know what my day was like? I woke up anxious from a nightmare that was so stupid, I don’t even remember all of it. I stared at my phone for 2 hours – wondering if I should just go back to bed. I had already slept in. What does it matter now? No, I told myself. You’ll get up. You’ll get dressed. We will figure today out. I got up. I got dressed.

Anxious about everything–

Why didn’t they respond to my text? What is my therapist going to say when he finds out I was hospitalized? Does this headache mean I’m dying?

No, no, that’s stupid, Sara. You have headaches all the time. You’re still alive, aren’t you? You need to to go eat.

But if you eat you’ll get fatter.

Shut up. Just eat.

Okay, but not too much. If I gain anymore weight no one will like me.

No one likes you anyway.

Why didn’t they respond? Why hasn’t -he- talked to me in months? Why does everyone always leave? I hate myself, I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF. I want to cut. I want to purge.

You hardly ate -what are you gonna throw up?

I don’t care. Just stop it.

What if I die? What if there’s no God? Why can’t I just do what I want? I know it’ll make me feel better. It’s not like God cares about me anyway. No one cares about me.

Why did I do that? God hates me. I hate me. Does God understand? Does he know how hard it is? Will he keep forgiving me? Where is the limit? Everyone says there isn’t one, but I feel like there must be – because its far more than seventy times seven – its more than I can even fathom and I hate myself, I hate myself, I HATE MYSELF.

Maybe I should call him.

No, no, no. Don’t call him. He’s been ignoring you for MONTHS. He doesn’t care.

No one does.

That’s a lie. Text someone who does care. Its OK to reach out.

No it’s not. You’re annoying them.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?

Take a hot shower. Put on your hoodie. Eat too much food and cry. Put your phone away so you don’t text anyone anymore. Stay away from everyone, because the more they see the real you – this dark person inside – the more they’ll hate you. You already lost a best friend. You can’t afford to lose everyone else too.