Though I get so mad at you sometimes, I don’t hate you and in a way, I think I understand. I want you to know that a part of me understands that you’re doing what you think is best. There is part of me that knows that you wouldn’t intentionally cause such pain — if there wasn’t a good reason for it. But then this is where my brain, or maybe my heart, kicks in and in a pleading voice, asks “Right? He wouldn’t just walk away for no reason, right?” … You gotta understand, you were my best friend – even if I wasn’t yours – and I told you that if you ever gotta stop talking to me, whether its because of my mental health, your girlfriend, or whatever – I just needed you to tell me. Silence is my true weakness. Silence destroys my spirit and shapes me into an empty version of myself.
Mental health aside, losing a friend is always a hard thing. Throw BPD into the mix with my extreme fear of real or imagined abandonment … It’s a wonder I was able to function so well after you decided to just stop talking to me. All I want to know is why? What did I do that was so terrible that you couldn’t even say goodbye? That you would bring my worst fear, silence, to life?
The other night I was at the venue where I came to see your fight. I was there for a concert, but of course, I remembered you. I remembered how proud I was of you. How I felt silly, but I prayed that you would be prepared for your fight and do well and be safe. I prayed for your success in all things, because that’s what mattered to you. I wanted you to reach your dreams. I still do, because even if your silence is an intentional disregard of me, I care about you. I care about your dreams. I am sorry that I’ve called you so many times. I’m sorry I’ve left countless texts. I’m sorry if I can’t just “take a hint” – but I deserve an explanation. I deserve a proper goodbye.
Or a friend.
I’ll be fine with whichever. I just need that closure, and you gotta know that. God knows you have to know what your silence is causing. You’ve seen me break over much less. So, what will it be?
I wish you would tell me.
Serendipity Minds 