This is what depression looks like –
It’s not the glamorous – someone’s gonna save you
And take that razor out of your hands and hold you
Until you feel loved again – scene in those dramatic TV shows
It’s the I’m-not-going-to-tell-anyone secret gnawing
At your soul, because YOU know what happened
The last time
You reached out.
It’s sending a hey what’s up? text in the bathroom
While your shaking hands hold a razor
That you wish some lover, some close friend
Would rip away from you … but instead you wait
One minute. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Your heart is pounding, because you need someone to talk to
But you can’t say a word.
45 minutes now. Maybe your phone isn’t working …
Surely someone could have said something by now
You almost feel desperate enough to text someone
The truth.
But you did that last time – and it hurt so much more
Than sitting on the bathroom floor for an hour
Dragging the razor across your skin.
Their cold indifference … too real.
It’s too real.
If you don’t reach out
It’s easier to pretend they’d care if they knew.
Knew that your soul was breaking, writhing in pain
That you cannot explain because you don’t even understand it yourself
All you know is that every breath and every moment is heavy
It’s too much.
2 hours now. You’ve washed away the blood and you look at yourself
In the mirror. “It will be okay,” you whisper. Wipe your own tears away
Because there ain’t no happy ending here, there isn’t any savior stepping in
This is all you, and if nobody else is going to love you the way you deserve …
You have to. Wrapping your arms around yourself, you pray that
You will have the strength to love you. God knows no one else does.
This is what depression looks like –
Laughing so loud until it hurts. Making jokes so good
You could start up your own comedy show on YouTube.
You’re funny and entertaining – they all say, admiring how
Despite all your many challenges, you have a smile on your face.
It’s keeping that smile on your face even when you’re alone
Listening to music so loud and thinking about your bright future
Until you fall asleep and you see his face
And you wake up crying. Empty.
But you shake it off and smile anyway because you can’t
Let yourself start crying
Because if you do … you know you’ll never stop
So you drown it out with anything you can – laughter, jokes, alcohol, shopping, food – ANYTHING to stop your thoughts
From the darkness that tears away at you
From the reality that no one is ever close to you.
You’re only close to them.
When you build walls, it’s not because you don’t want to let anyone in
It’s because you can’t let yourself out
You can’t afford to love the people who never love you back.
This is what depression looks like –
And as much as everyone preaches about the warning signs
No one wants to see it.
So you shut your mouth, like a good girl.
You know the happy kind that doesn’t have walls
Or a darkness infecting her soul.
Serendipity Minds 